Fabulous to be female

"Once a young woman asked me, 'How does it feel to be a man?'" - Hafiz

Can one gender really understand another? Can a mother help a son grow up into a strong and principled man? Can a dad boost the confidence level of a preteen or a teen girl? My answers: Yes, Yes, and Yes.

We may not be able to understand 100% of what it feels like to be the opposite gender. We cannot know the true experiences of anyone - except for ourselves. Yet we can have profound influences on our kids - of both genders - even in the teen years.

There's no way to outwardly measure it yet everything we do is observed by and somehow influences the people around us. What you do says a lot to your teen. You model how interact with the opposite sex. You model how to take care of your body, your finances, and your relationships.

Understanding your teen is important. Because you are an adult, often you can know a lot more about what your teen is going through than they do, if you do your homework. What would that homework entail? Find out what sort of issue today's teens and preteens face. Talk openly about social relationships, dating, and growing up. Provide experiences for your teen to try new things in a safe environment. Teach your teen how to manage money. Teach her/him how to resolve conflict. Help him/her understand the complex issues teens face today.

I've created a product/parent resource to help moms AND dads understand and stay close to their preteen and teen daughters. And I've created a product/parent resource to help parents understand and stay close to a preteen/teen son. Both products are fully electronic.  Click below to read more. Click again on the descriptive page to purchase. Make an investment in your preteen/teen. It's a complicated world. Your child needs guidance.

Product for parents of girls: click here: Connecting with my Daughter

Product for parents of boys: click here: Connecting with my Son

The questions I get from middle school girls range widely. If the group is a large one, I almost always get a lot of questions about sex. The large group makes them feel safe because they submit their questions in writing, anonymously. I answer the questions very honestly. If the question involves values, and many do, I answer with my thoughts, sound health information, and a request to the girls that they ask the same question of their parents and the other adults they respect. My recommendations usually include waiting, putting off sexual contact, and limiting relationships with boys to friends-only status until LATE teen years or beyond. I've heard LOTS of stories so I know what really goes on in the teen world. Waiting for sex is never a bad answer. It can be difficult, it can make girls (and boys) feel like they don't fit in. But it can NEVER hurt them. OK, on with the questions girls ask. Here is a selection from this past year.

Note - these are the actual questions that middle school girls ask. Most of these girls are in 6th or 7th grade:

1. What age do you normally get your period?
2. Do you have to have your period to have sex?
3. What is humping?
4. Why do kids/teens think about "making love"?
5. How do I deal with my strong emotions? I have a really hard time letting go.
6. What does the bible say about sex?
7. When should you have sex and how do you know you are ready?
8. Why do people do this sex stuff?
9. What should I do if I'm depressed all the time?
10. What if one doesn't want to love (have sex) but one does?
11. Could you get pregnant from oral sex?
12. I'm in 8th grade, so is my friend. She gave a a BJ and had sex but I don't want to say anything. What should I do?
13. Is it wrong to wear makeup and feel better about yourself?
14. Do your hormones make a difference on your period?
15. What age do most people have sex?
16. What is the youngest possible age a kid can get pregnant?

How would you answer these questions? For help, come to one of my events (Growing up female level 2 - or Dating and Sex - for Teens). OR purchase the program, Talking to Your Kids About Sex at this link. It's a program I built for parents like you who want help with these very challenging yet important conversations.

And here's a link to me talking to a group of parents about the same topic. Click on the graphic on that page to see a video clip sample, Talking to Your Kids About Sex. Then, if you feel compelled - go to the product page for Talking to Your Kids about Sex and purchase the product. You'll be glad to have the help. I've heard back from many parents. They are appreciative to have the guidance. I think you will be too.

Since media is such a big part of our lives, it is important to look at what your daughter sees in the media. And it's even more important to influence her life by surrounding her (as often as you can) with strong female role models - in the media AND in real life.

In addition - TALK about female roles in the media. TALK about what real women do, what they look like, and how they take care of themselves.

Here's a list of movies from 2012 that featured strong female roles, from womensenews.org. Look at the ratings on these movies; some are for kids and others are more adult.

AND - for you adult women, keep your eye out for Eve Ensler's new play, Emotional Creature. It promises to be provocative and important as it addresses issues girls face as they grow up. The play is in New York right now; I hope it does a long cross-country tour. You may have seen Eve's Vagina Monologues; if so, you know she's not afraid to tackle uncomfortable issues - with wit and with wisdom. Read this article about the play and if you have a chance to see it let me know what you think! 

In general, I don't do New Year's resolutions. However, I do make goals for myself and I follow them to completion - about 50% of the time. I'm being honest here. Knowing what I want for myself is one thing, achieving it is something else. Learning new things takes a lot of time and effort. Changing habits takes even MORE time and effort. Most of us fail. The real trick is in being forgiving to yourself and trying again. I do that well - trying again.

If I were to pick a resolution for this year, for the whole year....it would be to be myself more. Sometimes I have to really think about it - what do I want? Do I really want that thing or that experience - or - am I overly influenced by others? It's just so easy to pick up the messages from the culture that tell us what to be, what to want, and how to act. All sorts of studies show that we become like those we hang around with. We take on the actions and beliefs that are reflected in our world. So it's NATURAL to be influenced by friends, family, and classmates. I'm OK with that influence. Yet I also challenge myself regularly to be more of ME. I step back as often as I can and ask, What does Amy want? What is it I want to do? It seems simple but so many girls and women lose touch with their own desires. I know; I talk to them frequently.

Here are some good questions to ask of yourself or of a girl/woman you care about:

• When asked - what do you want to do? If she answers, "I don't care." Ask her, "What would you choose if you DID care?" If that person is you, ask yourself the same question, "If I did care, what would I choose right now?"
• Help her create a list of 100 things she's like to do in her life. And for you - create that list yourself (you should be a good role model for the girls and teens in your life).
• Encourage her to make a list of things she REALLY likes: ice cream, orange soda, riddles, _____ music, etc.
• Who do you admire and why? Ask her to list 3 females and 3 males. Share your list with your daughter.

Are you willing to join me in being a bit more YOU this year? I hope so!

With warm wishes for your 2013!

 

It's a bit like fish who swim in water - they are surrounded by it but don't notice the water.

We are so surrounded by media that we rarely notice some of the messages that are buried in the shows and films we see daily. Did you know that:

• While women represent 47% of the work force, in family films they hold only 20% of occupations
• 25.5% of CEOs are women but only .03% of chief executives of major corporations in family films
• Most media roles for women are as "eye candy"

These messages are confusing for girls, who are told by their parents and educators that they can be whatever they want to be. The truth is, what we see - we believe.

Watch the PSA by the Geena Davis Institute for Gender in Media

Here are some concrete steps you can take to help the girls you care about come to grips with the discrepancies we see in the media:

• Raise her awareness - talk about the statistics above
• Show her the PSA above
• Introduce girls to successful business women
• Enroll girls in programs led by strong women
• Build girls up daily - they are battered by messages about their bodies, their supposedly "rightful places" in the world, and more
     

 

Here's my version of the 12 Days of Christmas. It's a version that I hope you will think about and consider using in this very busy season.

On the First Day of Christmas your daughter needs from you.....

A parent she can really talk to.

If she's to talk, you need to listen. Learn to be a good listener as a parent. Most of us need to really concentrate on this because we talk to our kids a lot. We forget to listen. To listen means to be silent and to work to understand the meaning behind what she is saying. If you listen well, and with an open mind, you can learn a lot. And your daughter will be gifted by a close relationship with you.

On the Second Day of Christmas your daughter needs from you...

Two "I LOVE You's" and

A Parent she can really talk to.

You don't want to just listen all the time. You need to be proactive and make sure your daughter knows that you love her and that you will always love her. The teen years are usually tense and may be fraught with disagreements between you and your daughter. Tell her - at least twice a day (this is NOT an exaggeration) - that you love her. She really needs to hear you say it.

On the Third Day of Christmas your daughter needs from you...

Three big hugs

Two "I LOVE You's" and

A Parent she can really talk to.

The hugs - yes. Touch her. Hug her. We are all physical beings. We need touch and we will find it somewhere. Your hug is like a blessing. She will absorb your affection  (even if she doesn't hug back). Think of it as a protection you bestow on her every day.

On the Fourth Day of Christmas your daughter needs from you...

Four good jokes

Three big hugs

Two "I LOVE You's" and

A Parent she can really talk to.

Humor and laughter give her a much needed outlet, release endorphins, and when shared with you, create a bond that will help hold your relationship together when the rocky times set in. Go out of your way to find things the two of you can laugh at together.

On the Fifth Day of Christmas your daughter needs from you...

Five Positive Comments

Four good jokes

Three big hugs

Two "I LOVE You's" and

A Parent she can really talk to.

For a good relationship, you need to share five positive comments for each negative comment or gesture. This has been measured; it holds true in all settings - work, home, romance, you name it. Make your investment by telling her how cute she is, how good she is at math (or whatever it is). Complement her on her efforts. Thank her for her contributions.

On the Sixth Day of Christmas your daughter needs from you...

Six ways to contribute

Five Positive Comments

Four good jokes

Three big hugs

Two "I LOVE You's" and

A Parent she can really talk to.

Find meaningful ways for your daughter to contribute to life at home, school, church, or through a civic organization (sports club, scout group, etc.). She needs to learn that her efforts matter, that she is important, and that her contributions are important. As a parent it's sometimes easier to do everything yourself - it seems faster (and often it is), you are probably more efficient at cooking, cleaning up, etc. BUT she can learn and needs to learn how to do a good job at cooking, cleaning up, etc. And she will learn that she is needed. She may never tell you that she appreciates the lesson but she will absorb it - even if she complains every time she completes the task. To be most effective ask her to choose the six ways she will contribute. Ask her to choose from cooking a meal, cleaning the bathroom, making lunch for a sibling, etc. Compile a list of choices that work for her life.

On the Seventh Day of Christmas your daughter needs from you...

Seven minute of massage

Six ways to contribute

Five Positive Comments

Four good jokes

Three big hugs

Two "I LOVE You's" and

A Parent she can really talk to.

Touch. We all need it. If she doesn't get it at home she's far more likely to look for it elsewhere (from a teen boy even). You can massage her shoulders as she sits at her desk, her feet as she watches TV, or her back as she settles into bed at night. Loving touch is a wonderful way families stay connected.

On the Eighth Day of Christmas your daughter needs from you...

Eight fruits and vegetables

Seven minute of massage

Six ways to contribute

Five Positive Comments

Four good jokes

Three big hugs

Two "I LOVE You's" and

A Parent she can really talk to.

Ah, the fruits and vegetables. We're all supposed to eat 8 to 12 of them a day. Go out of your way to provide easy-to-eat veggies and fruits. Kids will often eat them if we present them in an inviting way. Try setting out sliced apples with a dab of peanut butter. Choose a time of day when she's likely to be hungry. Do the same with veggies. Set out a plate of cut up veggies with a yummy dip.

On the Ninth Day of Christmas your daughter needs from you...

Nine hours of sleep

Eight fruits and vegetables

Seven minute of massage

Six ways to contribute

Five Positive Comments

Four good jokes

Three big hugs

Two "I LOVE You's" and

A Parent she can really talk to.

Teens and preteens need about nine hours of sleep every night. Many don't come close. Do what you can to help her reach nine hours/night. Maybe you need more sleep than you are getting too. If you move the whole family towards more rest/sleep time, your daughter may just go along with it!

On the Tenth Day of Christmas your daughter needs from you...

Ten deep breaths

Nine hours of sleep

Eight fruits and vegetables

Seven minute of massage

Six ways to contribute

Five Positive Comments

Four good jokes

Three big hugs

Two "I LOVE You's" and

A Parent she can really talk to.

Deep breathing exercises are a proven way to release stress, tension, and anxiety. Practice together. Start by taking one big cleansing breath and then letting it out slowly. Then take 10 slow deep breaths - concentrating on the inhale and the exhale. Relax your muscles a bit more with each exhale. Try this short exercise on a tense morning. The couple of minutes that it takes will reap huge rewards throughout the day. And even better, you will be teaching her a life skill.

On the Eleventh Day of Christmas your daughter needs from you...

Eleven affirmations

Ten deep breaths

Nine hours of sleep

Eight fruits and vegetables

Seven minute of massage

Six ways to contribute

Five Positive Comments

Four good jokes

Three big hugs

Two "I LOVE You's" and

A Parent she can really talk to.

Eleven affirmation! That's a lot. Yes, it is. And she needs it. Teen girls need to be built up because they are constantly beat down by the culture, which tells them they aren't enough: they aren't pretty enough, thin enough, popular enough, smart enough, ..... Give her LOTS of genuine compliments and positive comments.

On the Twelfth Day of Christmas your daughter needs from you...

Twelve minutes of exercise

Eleven affirmations

Ten deep breaths

Nine hours of sleep

Eight fruits and vegetables

Seven minute of massage

Six ways to contribute

Five Positive Comments

Four good jokes

Three big hugs

Two "I LOVE You's" and

A Parent she can really talk to.

OK, she really needs 30 minutes of exercise every day (but the song only goes up to 12!). Exercise helps girls regulate mood. It releases endorphins and other chemicals in the body. It is critical for weight control and for life-long health. Go out of your way to help her stay active. It will be a gift for her - that will last a lifetime.

All of the above gifts will last her lifetime. They are more valuable than anything you could buy her from the store. Be sure to spend quality time together this holiday season and to play and talk together. Your relationship is important.

Blessings to you and your family in this season of joy and goodness!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I talk about uncomfortable topics in my Growing up Series workshops. I teach young girls about their changing bodies. We talk openly about body parts. They giggle at first and I encourage that - it helps them feel comfortable. And it's funny. I like a good laugh too, just like them!

Most moms sign up for and attend my mother-daughter workshops to:

• make sure their 4th or 5th grade daughter gets good information in a comfortable environment
• start conversations that they (the mom) are having trouble with - usually because either the mom or the girl is embarrassed
• take the mystery away from the growing up experience and make it NORMAL - which it is!
• have a close bonding experience with their girl

Some moms come back with an older daughter, saying, "Anna is in 7th grade (or 6th grade) and never got this information - I want her to take this workshop!"

Sadly, many parents don't talk to their kids at all about puberty, changing bodies, and/or sexuality. The sex talks can be REALLY challenging (that's why I'll do it for you!), especially figuring out WHEN and HOW to start those talks.

What happens when parents do NOT have open conversations with their kids about these sensitive matters? Kids grow up thinking human bodies and their functions are inherently shameful, bad, or "dirty." It's a sad outcome and an unnecessary one.

Use books, use naturally occurring events to broach sensitive subject matter, and stretch yourself to be OVERT with healthy messages about changing bodies, what it really means to be female (or male), and as the middle school years approach - branch out and include beginning conversations about sex. Then keep the conversations going all the way through high school and beyond. It's your job (and mine - when you come to my workshops) to transmit accurate information and healthy attitudes about bodies and sexuality.

When you are silent - when I am silent - our kids adopt the attitudes of the culture. Take a good hard look around you. What messages about sexuality and self-worth do you see?

I don't think it's done on purpose, at least not at first. But I firmly believe that most people show the world a skewed view of who they are and what their life is really like.

I've been on the inside track of peoples lives for decades. I have cared for people in their gravest hours, attended the bedsides of the dying, listened to the fears and uncertainties of parents, and stood by countless women and men as they watched their lives reel out of control through economic devastation, divorce,  or a terminal illness. After all of this witnessing I am certain of one thing. NO ONE gets through life without major struggles. None of us really has it all together. Not even close. People who look like they live the perfect life, family, or marriage probably don't. How and why do they make such a good show of it?

We like to think of life as a story with a good ending - a sort of fairy tale existence where we are the star player. We don't want to have to struggle - but we all do. Even so, struggle isn't what we like to show. We like to show a happy and strong face to the world. It's a bit like a masquerade party - we dress up, go out, and play at being something we're not. And that's not necessarily a bad thing - we move on and sometimes benefit from forgetting for a while (forgetting about the bad news, terrible turn of events, or relationship struggle).

But it doesn't serve us well when we leave the mask on for too long. Or if we wear the mask all the time, in front of everyone. When we pretend like our lives are perfect and that we have it all in control, we are not being honest with the people we are close to. When we are HONEST with those people, what we usually hear back from them is this, "Me too!"

Me too? What does that mean? It means they are struggling too. When we break through the masks and the masquerade - we find out that we're not that different from everyone else. Each of us has a different story to tell. Each story is filled with mystery, wonder, struggle, good AND bad. That's the way life is.

When we pretend that we are untouched by the unfortunate, the difficult, or the tragedies that befall all of us - we are living a lie. And when our kids grow up seeing or thinking that everyone else has it all figured out and that everyone else lives perfect lives (because that's all we let them see) - it's dangerous. It's dangerous because a kid who grows up thinking that life is supposed to be perfect is going to realize pretty early on that he/she is NOT perfect. Self-acceptance is impossible - and then the inevitable will occur. The child will grow into an unhappy and troubled teen.

The teen years are not too late. They are actually an ideal time to highlight for your kids that life is imperfect. That life hurts. And that in imperfection and hurt lie all sorts of moments of mystery and potential goodness - even happiness. The truth is - it is the simple moments of joy and happiness that are the most powerful. And those simple moments - those gems of joy - are often surrounded by ordinary and even uncomfortable moments.

Me, I grew up in a family where secrets were kept and shame was a daily practice.  I learned to show only the positive to my parents - that's what they wanted to see. I pretended that I was ALWAYS good. I told them what they wanted to hear. I did work hard - to get good grades and to be seen as the "good girl" my parents wanted me to be. I lived a masquerade. Because I wasn't always good. I just pretended to be. I grew out of it in college. When I went to nursing school, I sat at the bedsides of people with serious illness. I helped families prepare for and then recover from life-altering diagnoses. I learned in my early twenties that none of us has it easy. And I learned that it was OK that I was imperfect too. Just like you.

I urge you take a chance today or tomorrow. Tell someone you are close to about something you are struggling with. Just tell them. Be honest. You don't have to dump everything. Just admit to an imperfection. See what happens. I think you might be surprised - in a good way.

(Hint - it will make you closer, make the other person feel better about the things they struggle with. And in the end - you will both realize that being human is pretty good -especially when you admit to it in the company of others.)

 

I tuned into the lecture on internet pornography with mild interest. I thought it would be a good thing for me to brush up on. I was completely unprepared for what I learned. OMG! The money, the violence, the perversion, and the pervasiveness of hard-core porn astounded me. And I took on a new understanding of how pornography demeans all women, not just the ones in the films and pictures.

I'm a 52-year-old woman. I thought I had personally navigated clear of this ground and of the potentially demeaning nature of this type of media. But I felt it. I felt like I had been abused, my dignity assaulted, my very sense of the feminine attacked; I felt dirty. Then it was time for me to pick up my son after school.

Driving to the high school I noticed the girls walking by. And I wondered, what does it feel like to be surrounded by soft-porn images just as your body becomes curvy and feminine-looking for the first time?

I ask that question because the girls ARE surrounded by soft porn (and often more) from a very young age. The message of those images: you are to be sexy, you are a play-thing, you are alive to please others.... 

What does it feel like? I'll tell you what it feels like. It feels like you are (we are) simply a piece of ass - there for all to gawk at and potentially paw over. It feels bad. No wonder girls are unsure of themselves.

Adult women - STAND up and tell the girls you care about what porn is all about. It's about money. And it is not supposed to represent them or what sex can or should be for them some day. Please, whatever you do - do NOT remain silent about porn. It's a problem. If you want more help on this issue sign up for a message stream designed to inform you and empower YOU as parents - to help your teen understand and stay away from porn.

What a time we live in! Life expectancy for many of us gives us another 30-40 years, even as we move through our 40's and 50's. We have almost another whole lifetime to live yet! Wow!!!

It's more important than ever that YOU, you women in your 40's and 50's, take control of your life and start aligning your life practices with your goals. You literally have decades left to live. If you want to be healthy you will need to bolster up your health goals. It's never too late. I've seen women in their 70's and 80's take on health practices that helped them stay vibrant well into their 90's. Would you like to be vibrant as you age?

It's not even hard. But it takes a bit of dedication and lots of persistence. Here are three things to start thinking about:

1. Your eating habits
2. Your exercise habits
3. Your relationships - are they high-quality or low-quality?

These three areas are the three that have the most impact on your future health. Please don't get all guilty feeling if these areas of your life are in poor shape. Just notice. Then simply begin to think about your values and what sort of health you really want to be in as you age. The final step is to align yourself with your underlying values and act in accordance with those values. Here's an example from my life.

When I was in my early 40s I had a lot of low back pain. I tried many things: physical therapy, stretching and strengthening exercises, anti-inflammatory medications, water therapy, and more. I knew deep down that I wanted to be able to hike and go on backpacking trips as I aged so I stayed active. Mostly I walked.

When I was around 50, the walking wasn't enough of an aerobic workout so i started running (I had never been a runner and didn't even aspire to be one). I also had started practicing yoga. I'm now 54 and I have no back pain or discomfort. I took my first backpacking trip last summer with my 25-year-old daughter. We hiked part of the John Muir Trail in Yosemite. It was a challenging and exhilarating trip and I did it. It was satisfying and wonderful. I'm so glad I stuck with my exercise routines. They kept me in shape and had me primed for the physical adventure and burden of carrying a 30-pound pack through the back-country-high Sierra trails.

Now let's talk about you. What do you value about your physical health? Do you value being able to walk, to hike, to ride a bike? Do you want to be able to live independently? Write down the types of activities you want to be able to engage in as you age.  Then read your list regularly. Start today. Begin, very gradually, to create the type of life you want to be able to live as you age. Whatever you do - take it slowly. Do NOT take on some lofty quick-fix goals for eating or exercise. Slow and steady is the way to make change. It's proven to be the only way that works. And that's the good news. If you are careful, and if you are persistent, you can achieve your health goals with very gradual change. It can be so gradual that you hardly even notice. That's the key.