Fab2bFem

Summer is an opportune time to create family memories. Shared fond memories are part of the glue that holds families together. Activities that are likely to stick in memory are ones that are unusual, filled with mystery, involve the senses, or engage emotions.

Formula for creating a memory:

• Choose an activity or tradition to emphasize. This can be a simple activity at home, like making your own ice cream or stargazing at midnight or you may choose a more involved adventure such as a week-long vacation.
• Fill the activity with CARE: 
  • C - Communication: talk about the activity in advance and afterward.
  • A - Affection: share your love and affection with your family members while you engage in the activity. A simple, “I love you” or “I think you’re great!” is enough.
  • R - Resilience: Help your kids transition in and out of special events, vacations, and new schedules. Teach them how to be adaptable and to enjoy the new experience.  
  • E - Enjoy each other: Share positive regard with your family members. Remind them of how much fun they are to be with and be sure to laugh together.
  • Tell stories and share memories of the event. Choose an outstanding aspect of the experience to memorialize with a story or to illustrate a value. Tell the story multiple times over the course of the next month. Then repeat the story regularly at family “story telling” nights.  

Our three kids remember all sorts of details about a yearly vacation my family takes. We have visited the same place for 19 years.  The tradition itself along with the smell and sounds of the familiar place are cherished memories for each of our family members. We talk about this vacation all year long. We go out of our way to fit it into our busy lives (our young adult children still carve time out of their busy lives to attend). It is a source of joy for us as family. We have collected so many memories around this vacation tradition that we can tell stories for hours.

And then there is my own childhood to recall. My dad made milkshakes when I was growing up. And they were the best milkshakes in the whole world. Why were they the best? They were the best because each time he made them my dad declared, “These are the best milkshakes in the whole world.” They became the best for me and for each of my siblings; now his grandchildren proclaim, “Grandpa makes the best milkshakes in the whole world.” That’s an enduring memory. That’s a tradition.

Build memories. Tell your stories. They really will help hold your family together over the years.

I had the occasion to meet John Gray, Ph.D a couple of weeks ago. He has recently released a new book, Venus on Fire Mars on Ice. Most of you, I’m guessing read his groundbreaking volume, Men are From Mars, Women are From Venus. Dr. Gray’s work allowed my generation of women and men to accept our differences as male/female without diminishing either or stereotyping our roles too soundly. There are few hard and fast rules but there are certainly tendencies. And Dr. Gray helped us see those male/female tendencies and allow for the alternate reality. For that I extend to him deep gratitude.

In his latest work, Venus on Fire Mars on Ice, Dr. Gray teaches us about the differences between males and females once again. This time the focus is on releasing stress and the differing hormonal influences in the female and male brain. The bottom line? Guys are looking for a shot of testosterone to reduce stress, women are looking for oxytocin. Completely different activities cause the release of these two hormones and, of course, the hormones themselves work differently on a male brain than on a female brain. Thus, men and women like to do different things and we have different needs. When we are out of balance, which is common, and I’m guessing the norm for most of us, we can err in our relationships with the opposite sex because – well Men are from Mars and all. What more can I say? I could say a lot but I think you should get this new book and read it. It will help you understand what stress is doing to you as a woman, what stress is doing to the men in your life, and how you might maneuver the stress reduction road to the benefit of you and your opposite gender partner.

Thank you John Gray for once again helping us see that not only are we different but it’s OK that we are different. Indeed it is good. Matter of fact, when we accept ourselves we can more soundly proclaim that it is Fabulous to Be Female!

This Memorial Day, after you pause to remember and appreciate those who have died, spend time noticing and affirming those you still have in your life. Sometimes I get too busy and forget to tell the people I love the most how much I appreciate them. How about you?  

Do not save your loving speeches

For your friends till they are dead;

Do not write them on their tombstones,

Speak them rather now instead.

-Anna Cummins

What would happen if you did what Anna Cummins suggests in this quote? If you told the people in your life that you love and appreciate them – and told them why – what would happen?

I urge you to try it.

 Tell your kids, tell your friends, tell your partner, tell your colleagues that you appreciate them. Then tell them why. What is it, exactly, that you notice and appreciate?

Go through these steps again the next day or the next week.

Be sincere.

 My friend Sandy is good at this. She greets those she is close to with a “Hi Beautiful!” or a “Hey there, Handsome!” on a regular basis. When questioned, she asserts that she only hangs out with beautiful and amazing people; in her eyes all of her friends are beautiful (or handsome!). Sandy and I have been friends for 14 years; her warm and loving greeting has rubbed off on me. Now I frequently greet people in this manner and I want you to know, people notice and they like it. They smile and stand up just a bit taller.

 I learned that emotions were contagious in nursing school, oh so many years ago. And I have watched the phenomenon with interest over the years. Social scientists are still studying the phenomenon and they still agree; positive regard is contagious. You can use this truth to enhance your home life, your work life, and your civic life. People like to be noticed and appreciated. And you and I can make the world just a bit happier and more joyful in the meantime.

 So what do you say, Beautiful? Will you join Sandy and I; will you spread the positive and affirm the people in your life that you appreciate? I hope so.