Fab2bFem

When our children are small we, understandably, keep disturbing topics from them. We protect them as much as we can. Many families, either intentionally or unintentionally, extend this way of communicating to all matters around sex and sexuality. They don’t talk about it. At all. Then, when the children get to the age of puberty, these families have a well established pattern of NOT talking. It’s always hard to break a pattern. It can be even more difficult to break open the silence parents have created around sexuality and sex. But there are some simple things you can do to ease in and open up the subject.

• First, get over the idea that you need to shelter your kids from the subject of sex and sexuality. Open your eyes and your ears. Your kids are learning about sex and sexuality constantly.  Look around at the shopping mall. Notice the posters in the windows at Victoria’s Secret. There’s a message. Look at the way the mannequins are dressed. There’s a message. Kids notice. And kids learn, fast.
• Use those every-day occasions to comment (teach) your kids about bodies and provocative clothing. Comment on the mall posters and mannequins, “That outfit would be nice if it covered her more.”
• Keep talking. Comment on how other kids are dressing. Talk about dating and tell your kids that dating is overrated (it is, especially for pre-teens and teens). Tell your daughter that the physical contact that accompanies sexual expression is powerful – and that because of that, it’s best saved for a committed relationship (And this is when you transmit your specific values. You can be very direct. ), and that the TV shows and teen magazines (many of them) get it wrong. The truth is – kids really do want to hear this stuff from their parents.  And, of course, these comments are just the tip of the iceberg. But you have to get started so get started!
• Repeat. Once is not enough. Yes, your kids will roll their eyes at you. Big deal, you’ll get over it.

If you’re still not convinced, read this Time Magazine article that just came out, Parents’ Sex Talk With Kids: Too Little, Too Late.

14 year old girl (from what looks to be a well balanced and wonderful family):

"My house is awful. You can't believe how bad it is here; I hate it and am so unhappy."

Parent of 15 year old girl:

"Samantha is so negative. She's like a walking little witch. I don't know what to do or how to talk to her anymore."

 

What is going on?

The teen years are a challenging time for girls and for parents. It's the teen's job to individuate; they are supposed to be working on becoming their "own person," becoming different from their parents. It's a good thing but it's often painful and difficult. The process can take years to unfold. Parents often experience their teen as negative; they wonder what happened to the happy child they had just a few months earlier. An unhappy teen can cause much angst in a household.

What's a parent to do?

1. Establish strong bonds before the teen years.
2. Let go - as often as you can. If your teen isn't doing something illegal, immoral, or dangerous, consider letting it go. I'm not saying you shouldn't have boundaries and guidelines - you should, absolutely. It's just that there will be SO many issues. Choose your battles carefully.
3. Take a deep breath and remind yourself that the changes are NOT about you - the parent. They are about your teen. She is trying to grow up. It's a strange and difficult process.
4. Return to love; always return to love! Remind yourself of the wonderful person who lives behind that teenage frown or the negative attitude. She's still in there. Love her. She will show her face again - someday, I promise.

Once a young woman asked me,

 

“How does it feel to be a man?”

And I replied,

 

“My dear,

I am not so sure.”

 

Then she said,

“Well, aren’t you a man?”

 

And this time I replied,

 

“I view gender

As a beautiful animal

That people often take for a walk on a leash

And might enter in some odd contest

To try to win strange prizes.

 

My dear,

A better question for Hafiz

Would have been,

 

‘How does it feel to be a heart?’

 

For all I know is Love,

And I find my heart Infinite

And Everywhere!”

 

-Hafiz (13^th century Sufi mystic) Poem from renderings by Daniel Ladinsky in I Heard God Laughing.

Hafiz is correct. We have much in common. We all have a heart. And this is truly the most important factor.

We do happen to experience the world differently as men and women though. The sex hormones  shape our brain structures so that women have a larger emotional center than men and a superhighway for communication.  Then there are the fluctuating hormones that women deal with daily. They affect how we feel, how we think, and even the way we see the world.

Let's take note of and honor the differences. And let us remember, most of all, that  we have a common heart.