Fabulous to be female

I went to a continuing education event yesterday called "How the Brain Forms New Habits: Why Willpower isn't Enough." Here are 5 takeaway concepts I think we can all use and benefit from. You can benefit directly and you can also be a better parent if you understand how we are made and why habit formation and changing habits is so difficult.

Here are Five concepts that will help you:

1. Instituting change is notoriously difficult. Look around, even very learned people struggle with health habits - and other habits. If it were easy we would all be fit, rich, and in-control (of everything...). So don't feel bad about having a bad habit or two. You were taught well by the culture (to overeat, to sit on the couch, to drive instead of walk, etc.) You can do it - but it will likely take real work.
2. The first step to take when you want to institute change is to simply evaluate your actions and figure out why you want to change. Then focus on the values that are behind your desire for change. Maybe you have been nagging your kids. Now it's a habit. You want to change that habit. Figure out why. Maybe you value the relationship with your kid (I hope this is true!) and you notice that he closes down and gets angry when you nag. It's getting in the way of your relationship. Is your relationship with your kid of higher value than getting him to put his dishes in the dishwasher? And is there a better way to get your son to do his part? This type of thinking can help you focus on the motivation behind change. Powerful motivation makes change a bit easier.
3. Who you hang out with really does matter. Your mother was right! It's been measured and it's simply true. We pick up mannerisms and habits from those we spend time with. So it does matter who your daughter or son hangs around with. (I know, there's only so much you can do about this one - but you CAN do some things here to affect who your preteen or teen hangs out with.)
4. Very small changes make a significant difference in the long run. Indeed, small steps are the only way to achieve lasting change. When we set out to lose 50 pounds or to never eat chocolate again we are doomed for failure. We can lose those 50 pounds a different way. We can control our chocolate cravings too - but not with all-or-none thinking. Make small changes.
5. Old habits can fade but they never completely go away. We have a memory center in our brain that holds on to these old habits. That's why we can go without riding a bike for 10 years then get on and ride again tomorrow. It's not good news though when old "bad" habits revisit us. They will. If your kid made his bed every day for  a month then stopped - he's normal. (You can still insist he make his bed - I'm just telling you this is normal - we all do these things.) Too much stress typically results in setbacks. Reverting to your old habits or eating a whole box of chocolates when you are stressed doesn't make you a failure. It just means you are human. Don't be too hard on yourself (or your kid!). Just go back to your new habit and try again. This is the most important part.

The good news? Change is possible. Absolutely. Positively. And you can do it.

You probably won't have access to the course I went to but you can read a great book on change. It's called Switch: How to Change Things When Change is Hard. It's a fun read by Chip and Dan Heath.

A popular segment of every event I lead is the Q & A time. I promise girls (and boys too, when I do a Growing up Male event) that I will tell them the truth. I do. They get the hint and ask amazing questions.

When the girls are young (4th-5th grade) they ask questions about their bodies, body changes, their girlfriends, and how to talk to mom/dad. When they get to middle school they move into territory that is trickier: emotions, sexuality, and dating. It's trickier territory for a lot of reasons: people have varying ideas and values, many adults are challenged in these areas, the media presses an agenda that is provocative (shocking things attract viewers), and we (as a culture) are uncomfortable talking about sex.

I only take questions that are written down - rarely do I screen out questions (but I will as needed). I am brutally honest in my responses. Parents and preteens/teens alike thank me for the honest answers. I have nothing else to give them than the truth - and I've learned they are hungry for it.

The questions reveal a lot and are completely depend on the event, the age of the girls, and how comfortable they are. Here are some questions I've gotten lately:

From my Growing up Female level 2 courses (for middle school girls):

• When did this "perfect" skinny image come to be so important?
• I love my mom, but I want to be closer to her. How come it's so hard?
• Is flirting with guys you don't really "like" weird?
• Why is so much pressure put on girls to be perfect?
• Does talking through things with girlfriends make it better if you are upset with them or should you let it blow over?
• What are good ways to befriend boys?
• What are the different types of sex?
• How can you say no to a boy if he keeps pushing? (after answering this question I turned to the audience of 40 and we practiced as a group)
• Is it bad to have your first kiss be a "B"? (less than wonderful)
• How do you become comfortable around a guy?

And the moms have questions too - that they want answered for themselves and for their daughters. Here are some parent questions I've gotten lately (regarding middle schoolers):

• Where can kids go (safely) to learn about sex and to see how the body of the opposite sex is put together? (as opposed to going to the internet where they are likely to encounter porn)
• What are some signs to look for that would indicate your daughter is in a bad relationship - either with a girlfriend or a boyfriend?
• How far to kids/girls go in middle school and how far should they be allowed to "go"?
• Tell the girls why they shouldn't do sexting or send naked pics thru cell phone.
• How to deal with a boyfriend who "dumps" a girlfriend when she sets boundaries (and how common is this?).
• What are good successful ways to set sexual boundaries with a trusted and serious boyfriend?

If you'd like to gather with a group of girls (or boys) and parents for an event that will help you get closer to your child and where you and  your child can ask questions and get honest answers - let's talk. I'm setting up events for spring and summer. I'd love to serve the school, church, or community group you are involved with.

I grew up in a family where we didn't EVER say, "I love you." The family my husband and I created is more vocal about our feelings. We often say, "I love you." But words are not enough. Families who show love and affection in multiple ways are healthier and heartier. And we need to do it regularly. Here are 10 ways to show how much you care.  

1. Name and proclaim your loved one’s positive qualities. Do this regularly. It’s easy to do the opposite, to focus on the things your child (or partner) is NOT doing well. Turn the table so you are dishing out more positives than negatives.
2. Listen. Really listen. What is he saying beyond his words? It’s called active listening and it involves going for the heart of the message. This takes effort, time, and patience. The effort to communicate at this level shows that you care.
3. Declare your love and appreciation with words. You may be thinking, “But she should know that I love her.” Believe me; she wants to hear it again so tell her often.
4. Attend her events and accompany her as she pursues her interests.
5. Give symbols of love, small gifts or notes. Pick up a magazine for him, a book, or a favorite treat. Leave a note in his lunchbox, on his door, or taped to his computer screen.
6. Perform favors and small acts that make life easier for your loved one.
7. Touch. We all need touch; it’s a recognized human need.
8. Share your real thoughts and feelings, authentically and deeply.
9. Follow through on promises.
10. Go out of your way. Love is not convenient. It is in the stretching where we touch each other in heartfelt and valuable ways. 

One more thing, you cannot fake it. If you just go through the motions your family members will see through it. Go to your authentic place, deep inside, where you truly feel love then speak or act your love from that place of truth.

Carry it on: Share this list with your family members; expand on the list. Then ask each family member to name the top three ways they like to be loved. Try to learn what is most meaningful to your family members. Then follow through and show just how much you truly love them.