Fabulous to be female

I grew up with certain sayings:

“Your family will always be there for you.”

“You can do anything you want; you just have to put your mind to it.”

“If everyone works for 15 minutes we’ll have the job done.”

I had my own bits of wisdom and mom messages; here are some that I repeated, over and over, to my kids:  

“Relationships are always a two-way street.”

“I love you.”

“I will always love you.”

“Invite friends over any time.”

“If everyone helps we can _________ (go there, have that for dinner, do____).

When I was raising my third baby, my grandmother shared a saying with me that she had gotten from her mother. It went like this: “You can’t have flowers and babies at the same time.” She was talking about gardening and raising babies. It was an expression passed from my great grandmother to her daughter and it meant “You cannot do everything at once.”

The generations have always passed wisdom down in sound bites. Twitter may have thought they originated the short message. In truth, short messages are the ones that stick. All of the sayings above are well under 140 characters. We parents would do well to pay attention to that reality. Kids don’t like it when we lecture them. And they REMEMBER the pithy sayings, not the long-winded talks.

I think parents should remember that and come up with deliberate short messages to pass down to kids. Make your list now. Then start passing down the wisdom in succinct sound bites, just like the generations before us.

I remember when our children were babies and they cried when I left the room; they felt incomplete when I wasn't there. Babies literally don't know where they end and their parents begin. They feel more whole when they are in your arms and when they are with you, their parent. You are part of their understanding of reality, their sense of wholeness. In time children come to understand that they're a separate being from you, the parent.

Lately I've been thinking about teens and their emerging personalities, quest for independence, and sense of boundaries. It seems to me that teens re-visit the boundary issue; they seem to once again get confused about where they end and where you, the parent, begin. For example, sometime in the teen years your daughter or son is likely to be embarrassed by you; somehow your clothing, what you say, how you look, and the things you do will, in the mind of your teen, reflect on them. This phenomenon is evidenced by your child wanting you to drop them off at the curb or the corner, your son's attempt to ignore you in public, or your daughter's disdainful look and comment, "are you really wearing THAT?" Frankly, they become embarrassed by us.

In this developmental phase, teens are re-examining many boundary issues.  Teens (and some preteens) begin to look at the broader world as she/he struggles to find a sense of independence. Teens seek to redefine (or solidify) who they are; they often become overly sensitive about the people around them, especially their parents. I call this boundary confusion. 

Two of our three children were hyper-sensitive in the teen years to me and my appearance. Somehow my very presence was a sort of fashion statement about who the teen was, so to speak. My son once asked me to NOT acknowledge him when I saw him on the school campus. I complied. That phase lasted only about six months.  

If it happens to you - your preteen or teen starts wanting you to stay in the car or drop them off at the corner - don't take it personally. It's not about you. It's about your teen growing up and trying to define for herself or himself just who they are. It's a big question and a confusing one. You can help them by telling your son or your daughter the truth about who they are and what they are good at. The sooner your child figures out his/her strengths and vulnerabilities, the sooner he/she will come to grips with the question of "Who am I?" and "Am I OK?" These are two universal questions of the teen years. Remember, IT'S NOT about you; it's about your teen.

I just had a long conversation with a school principal about girl bullying. Girl bullying often looks very different from boy bullying. It is more subtle and more emotionally based. Girl bullying tends to be social-emotional. Girls exclude other girls, transmit feelings of dislike and disgust, and hurt each other in non-physical and often non-verbal ways.

The whole arena of social-emotional intelligence  is an area where females have a definite edge - for good and for bad. Lets consider this realm and then look at how girls (and women) use their social-emotional abilities to (too often) bully other girls.

Females are good at reading faces and emotions.  Some are more gifted in this area than others but in general, girls rule in this arena. Subtle micro-expressions reveal underlying feelings and attitudes. A girl rolls her eyes as a sign of disgust. The girl on the receiving end of the micro-expression reads the facial cues and feels wounded by the girl who is putting forth the negative message.

On top of being keenly aware of the subtle cues from others, girls and women are inherently emotional. They are more sensitive to feelings and tend to carry those feelings around for a long period of time. These tendencies and sensitivities are a breeding ground for social-emotional bullying. A girl (often starting at age 8-10 and continuing through middle school and beyond) sends off strong messages about how she feels towards others. If negative feelings are cultivated, the negative emotion will be transmitted though micro-expressions to other girls. The girl giving off the negative expressions is likely to respond to queries with a response claiming innocence. She may be (mostly) unaware of what she is doing. But underneath there are likely very strong feelings of disgust that have been propagated and intentionally strengthened.

The study of social-emotional intelligence, and hence, social-emotional bullying, is in its infancy. Studies are being done to chronicle and describe the micro-expressions given off and read by people. Watch for more on this.

The studies may be new but the practice is old; girls and women have been inherently skilled at reading these expressions for a LONG time. It was true in my day as a teen, it's true today. Girls may transmit feelings of disgust with a roll of the eye; a shift of expression may dismiss someone's opinion. Now it's called social-emotional bullying.

Do NOT underestimate the power of these negative messages. Teach your daughters about social-emotional bullying and micro-expressions. Teach your girls how to navigate through them - both as a sender of messages and as a receiver. Finally, teach girls to cultivate the positive. While you're at it, make sure you are modeling positive behavior yourself. Being a good example is the best teacher.

What is an intergenerational gathering? It's a gathering of children and adults. The gathering may be for fun, for a family reunion, or for a learning experience. They are a unique and special forum offering opportunities for the generations to enjoy and learn from each other.

Parent-child workshops (intergenerational gatherings) offer benefits over the traditional model of teaching children in one room and adults in another. When we pull parents and kids together and keep them together for learning, some very magical things can happen.

• Parents and kids who learn in a shared experience have a common context to reference back to later.
• The perspective of both child and parent can be highlighted - that goes a long way toward helping the two generations understand each other
• Bonding and open communication opportunities abound. This is particularly helpful in the preteen and teen years when communication and bonding seem stretched much of the time.
• Fun! If structured correctly intergenerational events are fun for both the kids and the parents.  

Imagine coming together with your kids for a fun AND educational workshop experience! That's what happens in my parent-child workshops, Growing up Female and Growing up Male, designed for preteen and teen families. Kids and parents learn together, they connect more deeply to each other, and they have fun along the way. I use the intergenerational format to address sensitive issues (sexuality, body changes, gender relations) and to pass along wisdom about human development and relationships. The collective experience transcends the workshop time - shared activities are recalled later and help keep kids and parents close - during a time when many parents and teens struggle to communicate.  

If you'd like to hear more contact me. I'd love to help you bring an intergenerational event to your school, church, or community group. Families love them.

My family spends one whole week every summer doing nothing. We spend the do-nothing week at a cabin in a remote location and we look forward to it for months in advance. This summer will be our 20^th year at the cabin; all of our kids, now 24, 22, and 16 have carved out time, once again, to be there. The week always looms long at the start; the days pass blissfully, filled with reading, games, long walks, bike rides, fishing, boating, storytelling, and star gazing. Before we know it it’s time to head back home with a set of new memories and shared experiences.  

In recent years I’ve been working at simplifying my life during the remaining 51 weeks of the year as well. It’s been an uphill battle but one that I’m committed to because it’s worth it. A simpler life is less stressful and allows for more spontaneity, more creativity, and more connection with people I care about. If you are feeling overwhelmed with too much to do, too little time, and too much stuff to manage, consider the list that follows. Maybe you could institute just one or two changes that would take the pressure off of you and your family. You are likely to experience an improved quality of life. It’s worth it. Here are some strategies that have worked for me.

Reduce the number of things that you own.

• Purchase fewer things. Invest in experiences rather than material goods. For gifts you can give tickets to a show, movie, or circus. Or try a family excursion; that way you will create memories to last a lifetime.  
• Get rid of the possessions you no longer use, enjoy, or need. Be relentless. Try the 10-item challenge. Walk through your house and choose 10 things you no longer use or want. Place the items in a paper bag and give them away. This one action is probably my most effective way to keep “stuff” under control without having to spend much time at it. I use this process with clothes, nick-knacks, books, overflowing kitchen cupboards, and linen closets.
• Designate a give-away spot in your garage or in a closet. Donate the items you have collected each month to a local charity.

Take a good hard look at your calendar and how you are using your time.

• Make family dinner time a priority. Eat together as often as possible, preferably daily. Concentrate on positive conversation during meals and turn off the TV and other electronic devices.
• Schedule in family fun time and family down time. Consider setting aside one or two days a week for family time – no outside activities.
• Limit children’s activities to just one or two (at most) per child.
• If you have a very tight schedule, consider giving up all activities that are not absolutely necessary. Your sanity, your family, and your health are worth it.

With a little less “stuff” to manage and a bit more time, you will be able to focus on the things that are really important to you, family, friends, health, and fun! Enjoy.