Fabulous to be female

Sometimes our lives get overly scheduled and we forget to relax and play together as family. Yes, you should still be playing with your children in the preteen and teen years! There are a hundred good reasons to play together! And summer is a great time of year to add some additional playtime into your family life.  Here are five benefits of play, four tips for family play, and three play ideas for families with preteens and teens.   

Why play? Because play is fun, develops creativity, helps people release stress and process feelings, strengthens relationships, and provides opportunities for practicing:  

a.       Self-expression

b.      Empathy

c.       Flexibility

d.      Negotiation

e.      Cooperation

Four Tips for Family Play

1.       Make time for lighthearted activity. Put it on the calendar if you need to. Make it a priority.

2.       Include all family members; adjust the play to allow for varying levels of ability. But don’t dumb it down! Make sure your play/lighthearted activities work for your teen. Preteens and teens are easy to lose so make their engagement a priority. To accommodate a younger child, pair the younger one up with an older sibling or parent.

3.       Engage the imagination of your preteen/teen and allow that older child to steer the play (without taking it over completely).

4.       Keep it lighthearted. Focus on having fun and cooperation, minimize competition.

Three Ideas for a Family with Preteens and Teens

1.       Turn routine tasks into play

a.       Put jokes, riddles, comics, or other lighthearted messages in family member’s lunch, backpack, workbag, or pocket.

b.      Make up stories about the people you see driving around. Where are they going? What is going on in that person’s life that makes them look happy or sad that day?

2.       Play games: card games, board games, or word games. You can check out game stores or toy stores for new games to try. Hold a family game night once a month.

3.       Take a plastic figurine of a character and hide the figure in funny places for family members to find. Whoever finds it gets to hide it next. We have been playing this in our household for year. Our family uses a bendable Gumby figure. Gumby shows up in cereal boxes, coffee mugs, plants, sock drawers, you name it!

The teen years can be challenging. By making play a regular part of your family life you will build and maintain connections that you may lean on heavily during the inevitable parent-child relationship challenges. In addition, you will create lasting memories, blow off steam, and hone your teen’s flexibility and creativity. Carve out time for family play; have some fun together with those you love!

Families who play together have an easier time staying together!

The quest for best went unquestioned in my day. Why be good if you could be better or even the best?

Good, better, best

Never let it rest

Until your good is better

And your better is best.

 It seemed innocent enough but now I wonder if a little rhyme was in truth a bad prescription. A constant quest to be best may lead a person to perfectionism. And perfection is unattainable; those who seek it are unhappy and may experience a perpetual feeling of failure, even when they are operating at a very high level. People who expect to be perfect will always be disappointed and may even feel shame for their very human and very normal limitations. Don’t do this to yourself; don’t do this to your kids either – don’t encourage them to be BEST at everything.

Don’t get me wrong, I believe in excellence and striving to do your best but we all have limitations and it’s healthy to acknowledge those limitations, even as parents, or especially as parents.  When parents own up to struggles and even failures they model to their kids that it’s OK to have limitations. Indeed, we all have limitations; there is no shame in that.

 And while we’re on the subject, let’s look at parenting and the parent quest some take on to do it all. You know what I’m talking about. Parents often feel pressure to do everything right for their kids. Of course we cannot do everything right so it’s a failed quest from the outset. And it’s not good for the kids either. In an article in this month’s Atlantic Magazine there’s an interesting article called, How to Land Your Kid in Therapy. The article talks about parents who do too much to shield kids from adversity; it seems these parents may give their kids a childhood with too much happiness; the kids don’t learn how to handle adversity and failure.

 The take-away message for me was to teach resilience and to parent in a manner described as good enough. I love the term, good-enough parenting. Good enough is good; good enough isn’t perfect, doesn’t need to be perfect, and doesn’t strive to be perfect. I like the concept and I think it can teach kids something about being satisfied with life and with what an individual can affect.

 Life is hard sometimes.  Parenting is hard. Doing a good job is satisfying. Trying to do the very best job possible all the time is a recipe for exhaustion and for feeling dissatisfied.

What do you think – should we parents always go for BEST or is good enough just that, good enough?

 

Cyber Safety is a concern of most parents I know. And for good reason. Studies reveal that 1 in 5 youth are approached by someone they don't know online. This alarms most parents. Then there is bullying, giving out information, and the dreaded unknown!

Kids have always pressed into new territory; the internet is the latest version. It's important for parents to understand the issues then to present limits to their kids. Consider using a written agreement or contract with your kids. Here's one you can use. Feel free to copy this agreement and make it your own. The most important thing is that you speak to your kids about these issues and then outline limits and guidelines. Consider writing in what the consequences will be if/when your child breaks the agreement. They are likely to do so - they are kids and it's their job to learn. Learning often includes testing boundaries (this is one of the less comfortable parts of parenting teens!). I suggest a 3-5 day suspension of internet/computer privileges for breaches to the agreement.

A written agreement can help formalize your expectations. Why don't you give it a try?

Computer and Internet Use Agreement

We, your parents, provide a computer and internet to family members with these understandings:

The use of the internet is a privilege and it comes with responsibilities.

Children agree to these safety procedures:

I will NOT interact with people I don’t know while online. I understand that people I don’t know in person but who I may meet online

• Are not my “friends.”
• May not be who they say they are. Sometimes a person who seems to be a kid is really an adult pretending to be a kid. Some of those people are out to hurt children.

To be clear, I will

• Refrain from conversing with someone I met online
• Never call, send anything to, nor agree to meet with someone I met online.

I will be open with my parents about all the sites I go to, the people I interact with, and the types of things I do online. I understand that the internet environment is evolving and my parents can help me decide what sorts of sites and tasks are appropriate for me. I will honor their judgment on this matter.

I will not give out my address, phone number, school information, parent phone, or any credit card information to any person or any site online without permission of my parents.

I will only purchase items online if I have my parent’s permission. And I will seek and gain my parent’s permission every time before I give out credit card information.  

If I ever come across internet content that makes me feel uncomfortable or that I can tell is “bad” I will immediately exit the site. I will then talk to my parents about what I saw so I can understand how to stay safe and to avoid that type of content in the future.

I will never press on a link mentions the word porn. Those sites contain information and images that can harm me. If I accidentally get on one of those sites I will exit immediately; if the site is an aggressive one with popups and it won’t let me log off I will turn off the computer and go for adult assistance, immediately.

I will not participate in online bullying. If I don’t have something nice or constructive to say I will remain silent. If I witness internet bullying (on a social networking site, in email, or anywhere else online) I will tell my parents or another trusted adult ___________________(name).
If someone makes inappropriate suggestions, sends me messages that use bad language or sends me pictures that make me feel uncomfortable I will tell my parents right away.
I will honor my parent’s judgment when it comes to matters of my safety online.

 And finally,

 I will help my parents use and understand new technology when they don’t understand something that I know about.

Signed ____________________ and ________________ Date ______________