Fabulous to be female

We often link cyber bullying to the teen population. Cyber bullying is a public and terrible type of harassment. We must face the fact that cyber bullying is beyond a teen problem; there are plenty of adult bullies who resort to cyber bullying. Bullying in general is far more prevalent in the adult world than we like to admit. It pains us to see and try to grapple with bully teachers, bully bosses, bully dads (and/or moms), bully neighbors, bully coworkers, and bully partners. But there they are. Ignoring them doesn't change a bully (it's a way to control your own self though as a victim and can be helpful that way). When we as a culture ignore bullies we actually empower them. See, the bullies of the world know that we bystanders see them. And when we see them yet do nothing to stop them they become more empowered. Teen bullies grow up to be adult bullies. And in adulthood bullying becomes even more hateful and dangerous. Here are just two examples of recent bullying in the adult world:

1. Olympic swimmer Rebecca Adlington is regularly criticized online for her looks. She refuses to read news articles about herself because of the hateful and rude comments that are posted about her body and her looks. REALLY? Why do people do that? What's in it for them to pick on the outward appearances of a star swimmer?  Besides that, I think she's lovely! I think the haters need to get a life. Really, they need something better to do. If you ever hear someone spew hatred and nasty comments about a woman's looks or her body - please speak up. It's our responsibility to change this phenomenon. It's NOT OK to insult women about their appearances. Period. Yeah, I know - there are media outlets who thrive on this sort of labeling but we don't need to support those outlets.
2. Video-game-critic Anita Sarkeesian is a "feminist pop culture media critic who produces an ongoing web series of video commentaries from a feminist/fangirl perspective." She earned a bachelor’s degree in Communication Studies and a Master’s degree in Social and Political Thought. So she's educated. She's articulate - and that's apparently her crime. The current hatred toward her (BULLYING) erupted when she sought funding for a video series that will take a look at the depiction of women in the video gaming industry. Her project is called Tropes vs. Women in Video Games. She reached her funding goal in less than 24 hours and continues to gain supporters and funds. The hatred that has surfaced since she announced her intention to make her video series is shocking. She was threatened, her Wikipedia page was trashed with pornography, and gaming trolls spewed threats of violence and racial slurs her way. Her YouTube video was targeted as well with over 1000 comments and an attempt to shut her down. Here's an article that chronicles the hatred. These are grown men who are attacking this woman who is speaking up and just beginning to take a look at the violent and demeaning depiction of women in the gaming industry. This is classic bullying and these bullies should not be allowed to win.

Here's my challenge to you adults out there: Become active bystanders. Speak up to protect the victims here. Shout down the violence, the hatred, and the pornographic attacks on women. How? Be vocal. Offer your support to the victims with positive comments. Then help root out the perpetrators and silence THEM. Here's a good example of a response of support by Jay Smooth.  He made a video response to address the hateful attack on Anita Sarkeesian. Bravo to him as he addresses boys and men and urges them to become vocal against these types of attacks on women. We all need to speak up in this way.

And Kudos to the UK for introducing a bill that will help root out and identify internet trolls. Trolls on the internet are most likely similar in the real world - that would make them a bully in the real world. When we identify the bad behavior, attach it to the person dishing it out, then call out the person on their bad behavior - we are being active bystanders. I contend this is the only way to reduce bullying at all levels. We need to name the ugly behavior then call out the perpetrator - make him/her visible. 

Join me, won't you?

When I was in high school (and even in my young adult years) I thought I was fat. I weighed 117 pounds at 5 feet 5 inches. Yes, I had body fat. And that's all I could see. I was a typical product of our culture - a young woman molded by the media messages that body fat was bad. Here's a picture of me from back then. I wasn't fat.

I didn't develop a true eating disorder but I think I had an eating disorder of sorts. I still have it to a small degree - but I have mostly moved on. The disorder I'm referring to is one that most of the women I know have. We are disconnected from healthy eating. We see only our fat stores and not the beautiful women that we are. Our insecurity feeds the marketers of the world. The beauty and weight loss industry benefits from our less-than view of ourselves. Our insecurity ensures that we spend our money on products that make us feel better about our bodies and our selves. How else can you explain the exorbitant amount of money women spend on beauty products: hair color, extensions, manicures, pedicures, accessories, make up, hair-care products, hair-removal services, and even plastic surgery. REALLY... this stuff doesn't make us beautiful. It's not bad, in and of itself, but it's a band-aid approach. Real beauty emanates from the inside of a woman. A little lipstick, a good hair cut - and even a manicure or a bit of hair color then ACCENTUATES her inner beauty.

And about the FAT - we are supposed to carry body fat. Yes, many of us carry more than we need. But fat is necessary and good. Work to love your body. Work to accept your body for exactly how it is today. If you really do need to loose some excess fat - do it lovingly. You will not succeed by hating your body. You will succeed by accepting yourself for who you are NOW - and loving your body and your self so much that you start making healthier choices. It's a long-term proposition. Do NOT be sucked in to the quick-weight-loss schemes. They don't work. They never have. Almost everyone gains the weight back again.

Here's an exercise for you: Stand in front of a mirror and stare at yourself for a full two minutes. Find at least 3 things you like about what you see. Note those three things so you can REMEMBER to look at the part of you you love. Next, notice one or two things you are less than wild about. Finally - send love to those parts of your body. I'm serious. You cannot move past where you are until you learn to LOVE all of you. Get started. Some of us have a long way to go.

If you want help - come to one of my events. I address issues of body-image and self-esteem at every event I teach.

Or go to Message a Day - to get help in an electronic format - text messages to help you set healthy and good messages in your head. We all have an inner voice, why not make yours positive every day - with targeted text messages designed to help you and empower you!

Many women are emotionally sensitive. I am one of them, emotionally sensitive and highly intuitive. My body seems to read the room - I can physically feel it on my skin when there is a lot of heavy emotion in a room. And I can pick up on emotions and often hidden agendas in the people I talk to.  When I was growing up I didn't understand what was going on and no one  guided me. I, somehow, learned to trust my intuitions, to purposefully key in to the people around me, and to channel my own strong emotions.

It's probably my own experiences that make me passionate about teaching girls and women about their strong emotional responses. It's a gratifying part of my work with girls and moms.

About ten years ago I learned more about the brain science behind emotion and emotional control. Then I learned about mindful communication from a guy named John Tompkins. John put together a mindful communication program called Green Language. I enrolled and learned the curriculum. WOW, what a difference additional training can make! I'm telling you, it's wonderful to strengthen the emotional response system and that's just what happens when people learn about their feelings and take action to purposefully strengthen their own thinking and communication. Here's a link to John Tompkins' website. Go there and click on the middle drop-down menu and select "feelings vs dependency words." There you will see a LONG list of feelings - study this area as a first step toward gaining more control over your emotions and your communication. For more, contact John.

For workshops that help girls and moms better understand their complex friendships, emotions, and self-image (body-image and inner sense of self) attend one of my mother-daughter workshops. Here's a link to the upcoming event calendar.

Whatever your experience - yourself or with a girl or woman you care about, PLEASE know that emotional sensitivity is not a choice. It's a reality. Girls and women don't make a choice to be overwhelmed. They simply find themselves overwhelmed sometimes. Girls and women can learn how to manage it. We know how to teach it now.

Unexpected diagnosis: Breast Cancer

Annette took the news with a stiff upper lip. Underneath her calm exterior = fear.

Questions:

What stage? Will I require surgery, radiation, and/or chemotherapy?

As she went through her treatment she experienced many levels of discomfort. She dove into her own variation of grief - catapulting from despair to denial, then a millisecond of acceptance before ricocheting into a prolonged period of deep sadness and loneliness. 

She had never really loved her body. Now Annette felt betrayed by it. The very part of her that gave her curves and added to her sense of femininity had been operated on - three times. She looked in the mirror and saw the bust line of a stranger. She recognized her own face but felt strangely disconnected from the body that was attached.

Body-image issues are common in women. Women with breast cancer face an additional challenge. The good news is you don't have to go through it alone. I have the pleasure of knowing a health coach/RN who specializes in walking women through the painful process toward healing and vibrancy. Her name is Sue Bock and she is not only an RN with decades of experience, she has gone through breast cancer herself. As both a survivor and a medical professional, Sue brings a special skill set: expertise, compassion, and perspective. Her optimism and guidance can be just the gift you or a loved one needs to navigate back to the fullness of life.

Check out her website and her blog. I know her and trust her. If you need help - reach out. It's just an email or a phone call away.

Your daughter receives hundreds of messages every day telling her how she is supposed to look and how she is supposed to act. Studies show that the media messages have a profound effect on her image of herself.  That effect is not a positive one, it harms her. And media is EVERYWHERE!

What's a mother to do? How do we bolster our girls up - and make no mistake - we MUST bolster them because the media beats them down - constantly.

Here's my list of 5 ways to build her up:

1. Use sound bites: short messages that you repeat regularly to help positive messages sink in deeply: "You're doing well!" - "I love you and know you can do it." - "You're amazing, you really are!"
2. Surround your daughter with positive role models: other kids who are positive and open-minded, trusted adults who know how to boost girls up, and mentors in her field of interest.
3. Teach your daughter how to really relax and rejuvenate. 
4. Help her get in touch with what she wants - not what the latest trend suggests, not what her friends want, not what you want - but what SHE wants. Then help her ask for it. Really, we need to walk our girls through this process over and over again.
5. Send her positive messages. Put them in her lunch box, send her text messages, and put sticky notes on her computer that can build her up. Need help here? Sign your daughter up for one of these text message streams (delivered once/day); these streams are designed for preteen and teen girls - they deliver positive and uplifting messages in a language she can hear. (Bonus: it only costs $4.95)
   
   1. Middle School Survival Skills
   2. Big Sis, Little Sis: Advice for Teen Girls
   3. Body Image and Self Esteem for Teen Girls

You are powerful as moms and women who care about girls. Use your power to build up your daughter and the other girls in your life. They ARE the next generation of women.

Exposure to electronic media makes girls feel worse about themselves. Yes. We already knew this, growing up female and all, but there's now a new study that shows it's true. While TV shows and other electronic media makes white boys feel BETTER about themselves, it harms the self-esteem of girls. So what do we do about it?

Here's my top ten list of actions to counteract the negative effects of media:

1. Watch TV with your kids and play the games they play so you can be in on what they are seeing and experiencing. You can only help them with a problem that you are aware of.
2. Call it what it is: be vocal about what you see and how it demeans or limits girls.
3. Repeat #1 over and over again. Be like a broken record if you need to - girls AND boys will get used to seeing what the media portrays and they will become numb to it unless we point it out regularly and repeatedly. so point it out - regularly and repeatedly.
4. Offer a different ending. When a program you are watching shows girls in limiting roles,  offer an alternative outcome. As you view a TV show featuring a girls, say, Anna, who goes to school then comes home to cook dinner for her siblings. Pose this question, "What would those kids do if Anna stayed after school for leadership?" Or if Anna seems to care more about her looks than her schoolwork or her job, point out how limiting and unrealistic that is.
5. Draw attention to the narrow range of body shapes and sizes that are shown in programming. 
6.  When out in public, point out the REAL people - note how they look. In real life people come in ALL shapes and sizes!
7. Be active participants in activities rather than passive recipients of electronic media. Lead by example and then go ahead and enroll your kids in sports and other activities that will give them REAL experiences rather than virtual ones.
8. Expose your kids to a wide variety of people and situations. On weekends and on holidays go out of your neighborhood and visit other parts of town. Visit city centers where a wide variety of people pass by. Note the diversity.
9. Go out of your way to introduce your daughter to as many female business women as possible - with as wide of backgrounds as you can find. This is a challenge but we MUST show the girls of the world that there are plenty of girl engineers, game developers, architects, accountants, CPA s, doctors, business owners, bankers, etc. 
10. As your daughter goes through the preteen and teen years make sure she knows that women make just $.77 for each $1 men make. Why tell her this? Because she will have to work hard to AVOID this situation herself. The truth? Some girls and women make equivalent salaries. Most don't. If she doesn't know it's a phenomenon she won't be able to advocate for herself. Teach her. Then help her rise above it.

This issue has been around for a long time. Some people (some men I know, in particular) think that times have changed and that the biases of the past have been overcome. This study illustrates that the media biases are still there and they impact OUR kids: girls and boys - in harmful ways. Don't sit back and let it happen. Be involved, speak up, and be active. It matters.