Fab2bFem

Once a young woman asked me,

 

“How does it feel to be a man?”

And I replied,

 

“My dear,

I am not so sure.”

 

Then she said,

“Well, aren’t you a man?”

 

And this time I replied,

 

“I view gender

As a beautiful animal

That people often take for a walk on a leash

And might enter in some odd contest

To try to win strange prizes.

 

My dear,

A better question for Hafiz

Would have been,

 

‘How does it feel to be a heart?’

 

For all I know is Love,

And I find my heart Infinite

And Everywhere!”

 

-Hafiz (13^th century Sufi mystic) Poem from renderings by Daniel Ladinsky in I Heard God Laughing.

Hafiz is correct. We have much in common. We all have a heart. And this is truly the most important factor.

We do happen to experience the world differently as men and women though. The sex hormones  shape our brain structures so that women have a larger emotional center than men and a superhighway for communication.  Then there are the fluctuating hormones that women deal with daily. They affect how we feel, how we think, and even the way we see the world.

Let's take note of and honor the differences. And let us remember, most of all, that  we have a common heart.

 

Girl: 10 year old girl asked, “How often does this happen?” meaning her period, “once a year?” She had already learned about “body changes” in school; she and her mother were attending a Growing up Female I workshop. 

Lesson: Girls don’t take in all of the information the first time around – and often not even the second time around. Girls need multiple learning opportunities and LOTS of support. The good news: Trusted adult women make a difference in the lives of girls. With proper support and guidance, moms and other adult women can help girls learn and they can help girls grow up with a positive self image and a positive body image. Unfortunately a poor self image is common in girls and women and is a root cause of many serious problems down the road. Don’t go there. Create positive relationships and build up her sense of self NOW.    

Parent: “Parenting a teen is like a giant chess game – we’re constantly trying to figure out her next move so we can block it in advance – our daughter is very challenging.”

Lesson: Parenting teens can be quite difficult. They are stretching their wings, searching for independence, and making mistakes along the way. The best parenting for this age involves setting up clear communication, strong yet flexible boundaries (more on that seemingly contradictory phrase later), positive and uplifting base relationships, and opportunities for independence to grow.

For those of us who have a strong willed child the job is more difficult – they stretch their parents beyond comfort zones and require a constant return to the basics – love, support, and encouragement. Just make it a mantra, “love, support, encourage…”   

 

Times have changed. The "talk" of old - telling your daughter how her body will change in puberty is not an effective way to teach her about life, her body, or about being female. 

Today you need to have ongoing conversations. 

We have a detailed conversation about puberty and body changes at the Growing up Female I workshop that I lead for groups of girls and adult women. It's up to you, the parents, to continue the conversation with the girl in your life. Here is this month's tip on one way to keep the conversation going: 

Take your daughter down the “feminine hygiene” aisle at the store. Look at the variety of products, pick up boxes and packages, and consider what she might want to use. Do this in a couple of different stores. Remember the compact tampons? See if you can find something that is new to both of you that she might find helpful.

There are specific reasons why the Growing up Female workshop is an adult-girl event. Girls need adult women in their lives who will be there and will help them as they maneuver the increasingly complex social realm of growing up female. Forming bonds with multiple adult women and with her mom (or other important adult woman) helps your daughter feel secure and helps her connect so that if she needs help when you aren't around, she knows that there are other women she can go to. AND - for some reason, girls and adult women often have trouble getting the conversation about body changes started. The workshop breaks down those barriers - and gives the girls and adult women a common experience to spring from. It works. I hear back from mothers five years later (and more) that the workshop helped them delve into even deeper and more intimate topics as the years went by.

Mission accomplished.