Fabulous to be female

The most recent surveys (conducted by phone!) reveal that about 65% of adult Americans are overweight, 30% are obese. It is projected that by the year 2015, 75% of Americans will be overweight and 41% will be obese. You and your kids are at risk.

Some of us overeat when we are emotionally stressed. Take this survey to determine to what extent you eat to manage your feelings and emotions:

Assign points: 1- never, 2=rarely, 3=occasionally, 4=often, 5=always

1. When you get mad at someone, including yourself, do you get the urge to eat?
2. Do you reach for a snack or head for the refrigerator when you feel annoyed?
3. If someone or something disappoints you, do you feel like eating?
4. When you're ticked off all day, do you eat more than usual?
5. Do you gravitate toward food when you're bored?
6. Do you comfort feelings of loneliness by eating?
7. If you feel restless, is food the first thing you think of to calm yourself?
8. Is food your friend when you feel empty inside or unloved?
9. Do you ease feelings of stress by munching?
10. Does eating help soothe you when life seems overwhelming?
11. Are big changes in life followed by weight gain?
12. Does worry cause you to eat more than usual?
13. Do you ever say to yourself, "I feel fat anyway, I may as well eat"?
14. Do you ever eat to punish yourself?
15. Do you ever eat to reward yourself?
16. Does a general feeling of agitation cause you to snack?
17. When you're feeling moody, do you feel like eating?
18. Do you crave extra food when you have "the blues"?
19. When you're anxious and you don't know why, do you eat to take the edge off?
20. Do you eat more when you feel excited?
21. Do you overeat when you celebrate?

Interpretation: a score = to or > 77 suggests that you regularly eat to manage feelings and emotions. If some groups of questions seem to have higher scores than others, it may indicate that one or more specific emotional sates push you to eat:

• If answers to questions 1-4 are mostly 4s or 5s, you probably eat to stuff down anger
• If answers to questions 5-8 are mostly 4s or 5s, you tend to reach for food when you are bored or feel lonely
• If answers to questions 9-12 are mostly 4s or 5s, stressful events or times in your life promote overeating
• If answers to questions 13-15 are mostly 4s or 5s, your body-image and self-esteem need a boost
• If answers to questions 16-19 are mostly 4s or 5s, your day-to-day moods urge you to munch

Here's a link to an article for adults (Web MD) on emotional eating. Read the article if you find from the above survey that you do, indeed, practice emotional eating on a regular basis. There are activities/strategies for turning around emotional eating included.

Here's a link to an article for teens about emotional eating. If your teen seems to practice this, read the article and share it with your teen. There are strategies for overcoming emotional eating included.

"I saw an angel in the block of marble and I just chiseled 'till I set him free."

- Michelangelo

Michelangelo chiseled away marble to give form to his amazing sculptures. And just as Michelangelo believed the form already existed inside the marble, I believe the adult your child will become is already present, inside your child, waiting to be revealed and empowered.

We can't use a chisel like Michelangelo did, we must use other tools and techniques to free and empower our children. What are our tools as parents and caring adults? Here's my list of the top 5 things you can do to help your child become the amazing person she/he is meant to become:

1. Love unconditionally. Apply generously and repeatedly. This will give your child the confidence she needs to believe in herself and to try new things. 
2. Guide your child with wisdom and patience. Share what you know; do it gently.
3. Provide opportunities for learning. Not all kids learn at the same time. Watch for readiness, especially if your child learns at a different rate than his peers.
4. Give your son or daughter opportunities to try new things. Whether your child succeeds or fails is NOT the point, the important factor is that he/she tries and doesn't give up.
5. Readily forgive your daughter or son. For whatever it is. Forgive. Just do it.

I recently went to Rome and Florence, Italy. I saw Michelangelo's sculptures. They are amazing works of art. Here in California, I frequently have a chance to meet kids - your kids. They too are amazing pieces of work/art/humanity. Like Michelangelo's sculptures, your kids enrich the world by their presence. They offer the world the gifts of hope, joy, and confidence.

In Italy I whispered a prayer of thanks to Michelangelo for gifting us with the beauty of his sculptures. Here in California I whisper a prayer of thanks to each of you caring parents and adults for investing in kids. Thank you; your contributions gift all of us with amazing and wonderful human beings.

Eight-year-old Noah climbed the 125 steps of the Stingray, a giant waterslide. He reached the top, looked down, then turned and climbed down; the view from the top was just too frightening. Ten minutes later Noah mounted the 125 steps again, his cousin, Colin, by his side, talking words of encouragement. The companionship helped. But the fear was still too large; Noah disembarked, again, without riding. He must have climbed up and down those stairs 12 times. Then he mastered it; he got to the top, climbed into the raft with his cousin and they pushed off. The raft plunged down the vertical drop off. Noah had conquered his fear. He grinned from ear-to-ear at the bottom then clamored up the steps to ride the Stingray again. He was elated.

The world is a scary place. Managing fear is a challenge we all face and it never really goes away. Having a trusted guide or friend can help. Parents often become that trusted guide as you help your child face and master his fears. Here’s a three-step process you can use to help your kids work through their fears. It goes like this: name it, claim it, and tame it.

1.       Name it: Sometimes we don’t realize why we are avoiding something. Identifying the fear helps us realize what we’re up against. The first step is to name it, “I’m afraid.”   

2.       Claim it: You have to claim your fear before you can figure out what to do with it. Accept it, it’s yours. A fear isn’t good or bad; it’s a feeling. Don’t be ashamed of it; we all have fears.

3.       Tame it: Take the fear, look it in the face and make a decision to master it. Remember, fear is simply a feeling. Sometimes the fear is based on reality, something scary or bad is bound to happen, and sometimes fear is based on our imagination or simply on an unknown outcome. Identify how real the risk is then develop a plan to manage the situation. When you become focused on outcome the fear often dissipates.   

Kids fear many things, made up and real: monsters, ghosts, strangers, fast rides, rejection, ridicule, etc. Parents have their own lists of fears: fears for their kids’ future and fears about job loss, economic hardship, health challenges, etc.  Teach your kids about fear, it’s normal, it’s universal, and it’s manageable. It helps children when parents admit to fears too and then model the process: name, claim, tame. So be open with your child about your own experiences, tell an occasional story about a fear/struggle you dealt with, then help your child learn how to face and conquer fear. It’s a gift that will last a lifetime.

Being part of a family is about belonging. It’s about being a part of a community where your presence, your needs, your contributions matter. Being a part of a family says, “You are wanted. You are important.” In our world of change it is more important than ever to instill a sense of belonging in your children; belonging is an anchor for kids, it helps them feel secure. It’s easy to instill this sense of belonging when your children are small. It is important to do so, then to deliberately remind your child that she/he will always belong in your family and your heart.

It’s just as important to give preteens and teens a sense of belonging; some kids need it even more in these turbulent years.  Preteens or teens who do not feel connected may feel lost. They may look for satisfaction in other places (drugs, alcohol, gang activity, popularity, sexual activity, early dating); they may run away, engage in self-harm, or simply lose their direction.

Use these strategies to show your preteens and teens that they are important, that they belong:                                     

1. Ritual and routines provide structure, a sense of safety and security, and breed a familiarity that anchors people together.

• “On Sunday's we eat dinner in the dining room."
• “Dad wakes me up with a song every morning." (your teen may act annoyed but don't' be fooled)
• “That's my chair."
• “We go out for breakfast on Saturday mornings. We always go to the same place."

 2. Unique jobs transmit the message that your child is valued and needed.

• “Trevor is the dishwasher guy."
• "You’re the best  pancake maker in the family.”

3. Story telling will remind your son or daughter that he/she is incredibly special to you.

• “I remember so clearly the day you were born.” (tell a story)
• “I loved you the first time I laid eyes on you!” (give specifics)
• "I'll always remember the day you picked all of my daffodils (or whatever!)" (tell the story)

4. Repetitive sound bites anchor your child with essential messages. Don’t worry about sounding like a broken record; kids need these messages often: weekly, monthly, sometimes daily, depending on what is going on.

• “We’re your family.”
• “We’ve got your back!”
• “Your family will always be here for you.”
• “I will always love you.”

Family life is busy and it's easy to forget how important these seemingly small acts are. Your child - especially in the preteen and teen years - needs to know that he/she belongs somewhere. Your family, your home, your love will give your kids the security necessary to stretch, grow, learn, and become, the wonderful person he/she is meant to be.

I grew up with certain sayings:

“Your family will always be there for you.”

“You can do anything you want; you just have to put your mind to it.”

“If everyone works for 15 minutes we’ll have the job done.”

I had my own bits of wisdom and mom messages; here are some that I repeated, over and over, to my kids:  

“Relationships are always a two-way street.”

“I love you.”

“I will always love you.”

“Invite friends over any time.”

“If everyone helps we can _________ (go there, have that for dinner, do____).

When I was raising my third baby, my grandmother shared a saying with me that she had gotten from her mother. It went like this: “You can’t have flowers and babies at the same time.” She was talking about gardening and raising babies. It was an expression passed from my great grandmother to her daughter and it meant “You cannot do everything at once.”

The generations have always passed wisdom down in sound bites. Twitter may have thought they originated the short message. In truth, short messages are the ones that stick. All of the sayings above are well under 140 characters. We parents would do well to pay attention to that reality. Kids don’t like it when we lecture them. And they REMEMBER the pithy sayings, not the long-winded talks.

I think parents should remember that and come up with deliberate short messages to pass down to kids. Make your list now. Then start passing down the wisdom in succinct sound bites, just like the generations before us.

I remember when our children were babies and they cried when I left the room; they felt incomplete when I wasn't there. Babies literally don't know where they end and their parents begin. They feel more whole when they are in your arms and when they are with you, their parent. You are part of their understanding of reality, their sense of wholeness. In time children come to understand that they're a separate being from you, the parent.

Lately I've been thinking about teens and their emerging personalities, quest for independence, and sense of boundaries. It seems to me that teens re-visit the boundary issue; they seem to once again get confused about where they end and where you, the parent, begin. For example, sometime in the teen years your daughter or son is likely to be embarrassed by you; somehow your clothing, what you say, how you look, and the things you do will, in the mind of your teen, reflect on them. This phenomenon is evidenced by your child wanting you to drop them off at the curb or the corner, your son's attempt to ignore you in public, or your daughter's disdainful look and comment, "are you really wearing THAT?" Frankly, they become embarrassed by us.

In this developmental phase, teens are re-examining many boundary issues.  Teens (and some preteens) begin to look at the broader world as she/he struggles to find a sense of independence. Teens seek to redefine (or solidify) who they are; they often become overly sensitive about the people around them, especially their parents. I call this boundary confusion. 

Two of our three children were hyper-sensitive in the teen years to me and my appearance. Somehow my very presence was a sort of fashion statement about who the teen was, so to speak. My son once asked me to NOT acknowledge him when I saw him on the school campus. I complied. That phase lasted only about six months.  

If it happens to you - your preteen or teen starts wanting you to stay in the car or drop them off at the corner - don't take it personally. It's not about you. It's about your teen growing up and trying to define for herself or himself just who they are. It's a big question and a confusing one. You can help them by telling your son or your daughter the truth about who they are and what they are good at. The sooner your child figures out his/her strengths and vulnerabilities, the sooner he/she will come to grips with the question of "Who am I?" and "Am I OK?" These are two universal questions of the teen years. Remember, IT'S NOT about you; it's about your teen.

I just had a long conversation with a school principal about girl bullying. Girl bullying often looks very different from boy bullying. It is more subtle and more emotionally based. Girl bullying tends to be social-emotional. Girls exclude other girls, transmit feelings of dislike and disgust, and hurt each other in non-physical and often non-verbal ways.

The whole arena of social-emotional intelligence  is an area where females have a definite edge - for good and for bad. Lets consider this realm and then look at how girls (and women) use their social-emotional abilities to (too often) bully other girls.

Females are good at reading faces and emotions.  Some are more gifted in this area than others but in general, girls rule in this arena. Subtle micro-expressions reveal underlying feelings and attitudes. A girl rolls her eyes as a sign of disgust. The girl on the receiving end of the micro-expression reads the facial cues and feels wounded by the girl who is putting forth the negative message.

On top of being keenly aware of the subtle cues from others, girls and women are inherently emotional. They are more sensitive to feelings and tend to carry those feelings around for a long period of time. These tendencies and sensitivities are a breeding ground for social-emotional bullying. A girl (often starting at age 8-10 and continuing through middle school and beyond) sends off strong messages about how she feels towards others. If negative feelings are cultivated, the negative emotion will be transmitted though micro-expressions to other girls. The girl giving off the negative expressions is likely to respond to queries with a response claiming innocence. She may be (mostly) unaware of what she is doing. But underneath there are likely very strong feelings of disgust that have been propagated and intentionally strengthened.

The study of social-emotional intelligence, and hence, social-emotional bullying, is in its infancy. Studies are being done to chronicle and describe the micro-expressions given off and read by people. Watch for more on this.

The studies may be new but the practice is old; girls and women have been inherently skilled at reading these expressions for a LONG time. It was true in my day as a teen, it's true today. Girls may transmit feelings of disgust with a roll of the eye; a shift of expression may dismiss someone's opinion. Now it's called social-emotional bullying.

Do NOT underestimate the power of these negative messages. Teach your daughters about social-emotional bullying and micro-expressions. Teach your girls how to navigate through them - both as a sender of messages and as a receiver. Finally, teach girls to cultivate the positive. While you're at it, make sure you are modeling positive behavior yourself. Being a good example is the best teacher.

What is an intergenerational gathering? It's a gathering of children and adults. The gathering may be for fun, for a family reunion, or for a learning experience. They are a unique and special forum offering opportunities for the generations to enjoy and learn from each other.

Parent-child workshops (intergenerational gatherings) offer benefits over the traditional model of teaching children in one room and adults in another. When we pull parents and kids together and keep them together for learning, some very magical things can happen.

• Parents and kids who learn in a shared experience have a common context to reference back to later.
• The perspective of both child and parent can be highlighted - that goes a long way toward helping the two generations understand each other
• Bonding and open communication opportunities abound. This is particularly helpful in the preteen and teen years when communication and bonding seem stretched much of the time.
• Fun! If structured correctly intergenerational events are fun for both the kids and the parents.  

Imagine coming together with your kids for a fun AND educational workshop experience! That's what happens in my parent-child workshops, Growing up Female and Growing up Male, designed for preteen and teen families. Kids and parents learn together, they connect more deeply to each other, and they have fun along the way. I use the intergenerational format to address sensitive issues (sexuality, body changes, gender relations) and to pass along wisdom about human development and relationships. The collective experience transcends the workshop time - shared activities are recalled later and help keep kids and parents close - during a time when many parents and teens struggle to communicate.  

If you'd like to hear more contact me. I'd love to help you bring an intergenerational event to your school, church, or community group. Families love them.

My family spends one whole week every summer doing nothing. We spend the do-nothing week at a cabin in a remote location and we look forward to it for months in advance. This summer will be our 20^th year at the cabin; all of our kids, now 24, 22, and 16 have carved out time, once again, to be there. The week always looms long at the start; the days pass blissfully, filled with reading, games, long walks, bike rides, fishing, boating, storytelling, and star gazing. Before we know it it’s time to head back home with a set of new memories and shared experiences.  

In recent years I’ve been working at simplifying my life during the remaining 51 weeks of the year as well. It’s been an uphill battle but one that I’m committed to because it’s worth it. A simpler life is less stressful and allows for more spontaneity, more creativity, and more connection with people I care about. If you are feeling overwhelmed with too much to do, too little time, and too much stuff to manage, consider the list that follows. Maybe you could institute just one or two changes that would take the pressure off of you and your family. You are likely to experience an improved quality of life. It’s worth it. Here are some strategies that have worked for me.

Reduce the number of things that you own.

• Purchase fewer things. Invest in experiences rather than material goods. For gifts you can give tickets to a show, movie, or circus. Or try a family excursion; that way you will create memories to last a lifetime.  
• Get rid of the possessions you no longer use, enjoy, or need. Be relentless. Try the 10-item challenge. Walk through your house and choose 10 things you no longer use or want. Place the items in a paper bag and give them away. This one action is probably my most effective way to keep “stuff” under control without having to spend much time at it. I use this process with clothes, nick-knacks, books, overflowing kitchen cupboards, and linen closets.
• Designate a give-away spot in your garage or in a closet. Donate the items you have collected each month to a local charity.

Take a good hard look at your calendar and how you are using your time.

• Make family dinner time a priority. Eat together as often as possible, preferably daily. Concentrate on positive conversation during meals and turn off the TV and other electronic devices.
• Schedule in family fun time and family down time. Consider setting aside one or two days a week for family time – no outside activities.
• Limit children’s activities to just one or two (at most) per child.
• If you have a very tight schedule, consider giving up all activities that are not absolutely necessary. Your sanity, your family, and your health are worth it.

With a little less “stuff” to manage and a bit more time, you will be able to focus on the things that are really important to you, family, friends, health, and fun! Enjoy.

Sometimes our lives get overly scheduled and we forget to relax and play together as family. Yes, you should still be playing with your children in the preteen and teen years! There are a hundred good reasons to play together! And summer is a great time of year to add some additional playtime into your family life.  Here are five benefits of play, four tips for family play, and three play ideas for families with preteens and teens.   

Why play? Because play is fun, develops creativity, helps people release stress and process feelings, strengthens relationships, and provides opportunities for practicing:  

a.       Self-expression

b.      Empathy

c.       Flexibility

d.      Negotiation

e.      Cooperation

Four Tips for Family Play

1.       Make time for lighthearted activity. Put it on the calendar if you need to. Make it a priority.

2.       Include all family members; adjust the play to allow for varying levels of ability. But don’t dumb it down! Make sure your play/lighthearted activities work for your teen. Preteens and teens are easy to lose so make their engagement a priority. To accommodate a younger child, pair the younger one up with an older sibling or parent.

3.       Engage the imagination of your preteen/teen and allow that older child to steer the play (without taking it over completely).

4.       Keep it lighthearted. Focus on having fun and cooperation, minimize competition.

Three Ideas for a Family with Preteens and Teens

1.       Turn routine tasks into play

a.       Put jokes, riddles, comics, or other lighthearted messages in family member’s lunch, backpack, workbag, or pocket.

b.      Make up stories about the people you see driving around. Where are they going? What is going on in that person’s life that makes them look happy or sad that day?

2.       Play games: card games, board games, or word games. You can check out game stores or toy stores for new games to try. Hold a family game night once a month.

3.       Take a plastic figurine of a character and hide the figure in funny places for family members to find. Whoever finds it gets to hide it next. We have been playing this in our household for year. Our family uses a bendable Gumby figure. Gumby shows up in cereal boxes, coffee mugs, plants, sock drawers, you name it!

The teen years can be challenging. By making play a regular part of your family life you will build and maintain connections that you may lean on heavily during the inevitable parent-child relationship challenges. In addition, you will create lasting memories, blow off steam, and hone your teen’s flexibility and creativity. Carve out time for family play; have some fun together with those you love!

Families who play together have an easier time staying together!