Fabulous to be female

The quest for best went unquestioned in my day. Why be good if you could be better or even the best?

Good, better, best

Never let it rest

Until your good is better

And your better is best.

 It seemed innocent enough but now I wonder if a little rhyme was in truth a bad prescription. A constant quest to be best may lead a person to perfectionism. And perfection is unattainable; those who seek it are unhappy and may experience a perpetual feeling of failure, even when they are operating at a very high level. People who expect to be perfect will always be disappointed and may even feel shame for their very human and very normal limitations. Don’t do this to yourself; don’t do this to your kids either – don’t encourage them to be BEST at everything.

Don’t get me wrong, I believe in excellence and striving to do your best but we all have limitations and it’s healthy to acknowledge those limitations, even as parents, or especially as parents.  When parents own up to struggles and even failures they model to their kids that it’s OK to have limitations. Indeed, we all have limitations; there is no shame in that.

 And while we’re on the subject, let’s look at parenting and the parent quest some take on to do it all. You know what I’m talking about. Parents often feel pressure to do everything right for their kids. Of course we cannot do everything right so it’s a failed quest from the outset. And it’s not good for the kids either. In an article in this month’s Atlantic Magazine there’s an interesting article called, How to Land Your Kid in Therapy. The article talks about parents who do too much to shield kids from adversity; it seems these parents may give their kids a childhood with too much happiness; the kids don’t learn how to handle adversity and failure.

 The take-away message for me was to teach resilience and to parent in a manner described as good enough. I love the term, good-enough parenting. Good enough is good; good enough isn’t perfect, doesn’t need to be perfect, and doesn’t strive to be perfect. I like the concept and I think it can teach kids something about being satisfied with life and with what an individual can affect.

 Life is hard sometimes.  Parenting is hard. Doing a good job is satisfying. Trying to do the very best job possible all the time is a recipe for exhaustion and for feeling dissatisfied.

What do you think – should we parents always go for BEST or is good enough just that, good enough?

Cyber Safety is a concern of most parents I know. And for good reason. Studies reveal that 1 in 5 youth are approached by someone they don't know online. This alarms most parents. Then there is bullying, giving out information, and the dreaded unknown!

Kids have always pressed into new territory; the internet is the latest version. It's important for parents to understand the issues then to present limits to their kids. Consider using a written agreement or contract with your kids. Here's one you can use. Feel free to copy this agreement and make it your own. The most important thing is that you speak to your kids about these issues and then outline limits and guidelines. Consider writing in what the consequences will be if/when your child breaks the agreement. They are likely to do so - they are kids and it's their job to learn. Learning often includes testing boundaries (this is one of the less comfortable parts of parenting teens!). I suggest a 3-5 day suspension of internet/computer privileges for breaches to the agreement.

A written agreement can help formalize your expectations. Why don't you give it a try?

Computer and Internet Use Agreement

We, your parents, provide a computer and internet to family members with these understandings:

The use of the internet is a privilege and it comes with responsibilities.

Children agree to these safety procedures:

I will NOT interact with people I don’t know while online. I understand that people I don’t know in person but who I may meet online

• Are not my “friends.”
• May not be who they say they are. Sometimes a person who seems to be a kid is really an adult pretending to be a kid. Some of those people are out to hurt children.

To be clear, I will

• Refrain from conversing with someone I met online
• Never call, send anything to, nor agree to meet with someone I met online.

I will be open with my parents about all the sites I go to, the people I interact with, and the types of things I do online. I understand that the internet environment is evolving and my parents can help me decide what sorts of sites and tasks are appropriate for me. I will honor their judgment on this matter.

I will not give out my address, phone number, school information, parent phone, or any credit card information to any person or any site online without permission of my parents.

I will only purchase items online if I have my parent’s permission. And I will seek and gain my parent’s permission every time before I give out credit card information.  

If I ever come across internet content that makes me feel uncomfortable or that I can tell is “bad” I will immediately exit the site. I will then talk to my parents about what I saw so I can understand how to stay safe and to avoid that type of content in the future.

I will never press on a link mentions the word porn. Those sites contain information and images that can harm me. If I accidentally get on one of those sites I will exit immediately; if the site is an aggressive one with popups and it won’t let me log off I will turn off the computer and go for adult assistance, immediately.

I will not participate in online bullying. If I don’t have something nice or constructive to say I will remain silent. If I witness internet bullying (on a social networking site, in email, or anywhere else online) I will tell my parents or another trusted adult ___________________(name).
If someone makes inappropriate suggestions, sends me messages that use bad language or sends me pictures that make me feel uncomfortable I will tell my parents right away.
I will honor my parent’s judgment when it comes to matters of my safety online.

 And finally,

 I will help my parents use and understand new technology when they don’t understand something that I know about.

Signed ____________________ and ________________ Date ______________

Attitudes about sex and sexuality are learned. Ideas about sexual behavior are learned as well. We've had some bad examples of male sexual behavior in the news lately. What are you teaching your son about appropriate sexual behavior? It's a challenging subject, I know. The culture doesn't make it any easier.
In addition, internet porn marketers are after your sons. They hope to hook as many males as they can at a young age so they can have income from these boys and men for life. And they know just how the male mind works so they know how to lure them in. Once he is lured in your boy will be taught by the pornographers to objectify women and girls, mix sex and violence, and measure sexual satisfaction in terms of domination. It's bad for women, it's bad for the men/boys. Pornography threatens to hijack the imagination and future sexual satisfaction of your son. I'm not kidding.

If you want help addressing pornography and other boy issues of the growing-up years schedule a Growing up Male event - I address challenging topics about sexuality and appropriate behavior in those workshops. If you don't live in Northern California you can still access the content through the Growing up Male home-study course. There is a segment of the program for parents and a segment for you and your son to listen to and respond to together. The program is designed for preteen and teen boys and their parents.

Loving Parents and Strong Families Shape Children for Life

Top 10 Tips:

1. Focus on love
2. Keep an eye on the big picture
3. Be persistent, you are the parent
4. Highlight the positive; people grow from their strengths
5. Give children important work to do
6. Invest in shared experiences and family time; strong relationships with trusted adults are a key indicator of stability in the teen years
7. Cultivate an atmosphere of fun
8. Take a break
9. Show your humanity
10. Talk about the hard stuff

See my new video (click here).

This video was filmed at a talk I did for a group of parents with kids in late elementary and early middle school. It really does make a difference when parents tell their kids what they think about sex and especially what they think about kids having sex. Studies show that kids respond. Kids agree. It's true; I ask the kids. Young people whose parents had open conversations with them about sex really appreciated it. Now I don't think the kids appreciate it at the time (they are usually uncomfortable at the time) - but I'm talking about years later. I've had these later-year conversations with young people. They were so grateful to have had parents who gave them information and guidance. None of these young people reported the conversations being comfortable. Almost all of the young people reported the conversations being HELPFUL. That's the key.

Healthy attitudes about sex are learned. If you don't want your kids picking up the attitudes of the culture then you need to provide alternative attitudes. If you feel unprepared you can use my audio programs and my book to help. Click here to see those products.
I'd also be happy to work with  you to bring my parent-child workshops to an organization you belong to (school, church, scout troop, etc.). When you bring me in to do a parent-child event I will have the frank and often difficult conversation about sex with your kids with you present. Then all you have to do is agree or clarify. I make it comfortable - or at least as comfortable as possible. I even make it fun, believe it or not. I promise you will live through it and your kids will be the better for it.

Many wonder how media affects kids. The question is being studied; researchers are learning more all the time. Some of what is being learned is reinforcing what  parenting advocates have been advising for a long time. Other nuances of the results are worth paying attention to. It's good for parents to hear what the latest research shows. That is why I'm pleased to introduce you to a researcher from The Ohio State University,Eric Rasmussen. He's started a new blog, Parents, Media, and Children. At his blog you will find all sorts of tidbits about how the media impacts kids so go there regularly to read some of the latest findings. Here are some sneak previews:

• Music lyrics diminish self-worth in teens and lessen their sense of attractiveness. This is a HUGE issue for the readers of Fabulous to Be Female because body image is a HUGE issue for girls! What to do? Try to lessen the importance of the music - go to Eric's blog for a few more details.
• "Children whose parents talk to them about television and television content see a greater disparity between the reality as presented on TV and true reality." Translation: talk to your kids about what you are seeing on TV and point out the parts that are unrealistic. It works.
•  Viewing violence affects kids. How parents frame the violence seems to make a difference - placing value statements on what you are seeing and what you think of the behavior seems to have the heaviest impact. Go to the blog to read more.  
• Pornographers are targeting young children; we parents must be more vigilant than ever to protect our kids from the horrors of internet porn. 

A frequent question I get from parents is, "When should I start teaching my kids about sex?" (The short answer is NOW!) The second most frequent question is HOW? 

One of my top three strategies is to use teachable moments. Parents can and should use a variety of teachable moments to give out well grounded wisdom about sex, love, and relationships. Learning about these issues is a life-long task so you need to get started. What's a teachable moment? Here are three that are common in families with middle schoolers.

• Teachable Moment #1: Your daughter wants to wear a top to school that you think is too revealing. She thinks it's no big deal. What to do? Use this teachable moment to teach her that it may be no big deal to her but it is against dress code and could very well be a big deal to a boy who sits next to her in math class. It's got to be difficult to study and learn when your eyes keep landing on the exposed belly, bottom, or breasts of the girl sitting in front of you. Boy's brains are being bathed in increasing amounts of testosterone (testosterone increases 20-fold in the teen years) and their bodies respond with unpredictable erections and spontaneous thoughts about sex. Now, it's not our job as girls and women to control the sex thoughts of the boys and men in the world. It is, however, an expectation and a courtesy that girls and women follow the school guidelines to cover bellies, butts, and breasts when in a setting where learning and work are the priority. Conduct this frank conversation with your daughter. 
• Teachable Moment #2: You hear talk from other mothers about sex acts being performed in the school rest room. This is a prime opportunity for you to relay the story you heard to your daughter and explain to her what these sex acts are (If you are hearing it through the mom network, chances are good that your daughter is hearing about it through the kid network.). While you're at it, tell your daughter what you think of these sex acts in the middle school population. This is your opportunity to instill values around sex and sexual expression. (If you cannot imagine saying these things to your daughter please contact me to set up or attend one of my Growing up Female, Middle School events - I will cover the ground for you.)
• Teachable Moment #3: Your sister and brother-in-law have just announced they are getting a divorce. These are sad and difficult moments in family life. Use the opportunity to help your daughter understand that relationships take a lot of work, are complicated, and change over time. Even people who seem to love each other  sometimes cannot make a relationship work, no matter how hard they try. You can use this teachable moment to help your daughter learn some essential relationships skills. In addition, talk to her about teen dating; tell her what you think about teen relationships, what's appropriate what's realistic, etc.

The mothers and girls in my mother-daughter workshops love the ritual. We stand in a circle, form a web, and each share a thought about what it is, exactly, that we like about being female. Yesterday a 10-year-old girl declared that we (meaning girls and women) have better underwear than boys! I loved that one!! I hear a lot from women and girls about what they love about being female:

• friends
• conversation
• connection
• clothes
• hair
• being mothers
• breastfeeding
• and so much more...

International Women's Day was this week. We spend time looking around at where we've been, we spend time looking at how far we need/want yet to go, and I hope we spend time savoring what it is we have - our femininity, our unique way of viewing the world, our strengths, and our girlfriends.

Savor the parts of your feminine reality that you enjoy. Celebrate those aspects that bring you joy. Teach your daughter to do the same.

Yes, you read the title correctly! It is fabulous to be female and fifty. I should know; I have hit the big 50 and gone on past. It was a wonderful milestone and I vowed to make the decade of my 50's my best decade yet. And so far, it is!

You can do it too. How? Do a self assessment. Set some goals. And go for it. It sounds so easy and simple. But your aren't fooled, are you? You know that change is hard. Change is hard. Life is hard too. But it's lovely and it's worth it. The same is true of change.

I just received this workbook from Seth Godin. It's called Poke the Box Workbook. It's about initiative, fear of getting started, and how to get past those. I highly recommend it and hope all readers will click through and at least read the workbook. It takes only about 10 minutes. 

For those of you who need a little hand-holding, I'm putting together a new course called Fabulous to Be Female and Fifty. It is being designed for women in their 40's and 50's who feel dissatisfied with the status quo and want something different for the remaining 30 years of life. Yes, you probably have 30 years or more to live. What will you do with it?

Keep in touch. Maybe we can help each other. Women need community. We feed each other, encourage each other, and support each other. We get inspired from each other and we care about each other. Let's work together to become the people we want to be in these amazing decades of life.

My blessings to you all.

Amy

Do you know at least one middle-school-aged girl?

Filled with change, uncertainty, and doubt, the middle school years offer a chance for caring adults - mothers, teachers, coaches, aunts, grandmothers, neighbors, and friends - to nurture and guide an 11-to-13-year-old girl into becoming a strong and self confident woman. Your middle school girl is on the road to adulthood. And she needs guides, oh, does she need guides!

Middle school girls need strong women who are willing to tell the truth, about life, love, relationships, sex, and beauty. You know many truths in these areas. Your middle school girl needs to hear those truths. She's not getting them from the culture. She needs to get them from you. And your high school girls probably need to hear those messages too.

A Glamour Magazine poll just released tells us that 97% of young women have violent thoughts about their body. Yes, violent thoughts. Yes, 97%. We should be alarmed. And we should use our alarm and concern to become active and do something.

What to do? Use sound bites to instill positive messages and truths about beauty, sex, and relationships. Help a girl you care about understand her body, her emotions, her reality. Make sure she knows what her strengths are. And finally, love her. Love her for no good reason, except that she is. And because she is a girl you care about, that is enough. Tell her. Convince her that she is good, that she is enough, and that you love her. The hands you see in the photo here were created by middle school girls. On these hands the girls listed their strengths and the important people in their lives. Concrete actions help girls take in and live the truth. Once you tell your girl how special she is help her take it in more deeply through some action or ritual.

If you need help, attend one of my workshops (sign up for a community workshop or schedule your own), purchase my Growing up Female Home Study Course, or contact me to work out something else. I'd be happy to help you. The girls of today can benefit from your intervention and your support. They need you.

You have a powerful affect on those around you, especially those you love and care about. Use your influence. Make a difference.