Fab2bFem

12 year old Daughter: “You are the worst mother. I can’t believe you won’t let me go.” (Her mom refused to allow the girl to go to the mall with a friend who was being driven by a teen who was unknown to the mother.) The girl went to her room, slammed the door closed, and pushed her dresser in front of the door.

Mother of this girl:

“She tells me she’s so unhappy and that she wishes she weren’t alive. I took her to a therapist. The therapist thought she was a great kid. My daughter completely fooled her. What a waste that was.”

What is going on?

I talked at length to this mother. She was rightfully concerned. Her daughter had talked (briefly) about wishing she were dead. The mom took her daughter to a therapist and hoped the therapist would “solve” the problem. The therapist thought the girl was fine.

This mother is going to try another therapist; she wants another opinion. It may be that her daughter is “fine.” It’s very difficult to tell the difference sometimes between a “normal” and an “abnormal” response to puberty, especially when you are dealing with a strong willed child. And this daughter is one of those spirited children that many call “strong-willed.”

Puberty causes immense physical, social, and emotional changes in girls. The daily hormone fluctuations that are normal for a menstruating female are quite difficult for some girls to adjust to.  The hope is that over the next few years this girl will adjust to the social, emotional, and physical changes.

Understanding what your daughter is going through as she transitions from being a girl to being a woman is often difficult - for you and for her. You want her to thrive. You know you have knowledge she needs. Overheard
 When the mother spoke to her daughter, the girl simply responded, "Mom." The conversation ended. The mother said to me, "It's like she doesn't hear me." What is happening here? Is the daughter listening; does she hear her mother? Yes, she hears her mother. She hears every word. She may feign disinterest but there's a good chance she will hold onto the wisdom the mother shared with her. Do be cautious and try not to lecture your daughter. If you do she probably will block you out. Find a different way to share your bits of wisdom. Try telling her a story. Or ask her opinion about something and then share your thoughts. It can help if you talk about things that aren't so directly related to her.  Girls do want to learn from those who have "been there." You have much to offer. Keep talking to your daughter. Keep trying. Much of it does get through. She's likely to pretend that it doesn't but it does.

The girls were shocked by my statement. The mothers all affirmed it. I told the girls (they were 15 years old) that their mothers and I want them to have a wonderful sex life. I asked the mothers if they agreed and they all nodded. The girls were dumbfounded.

We had a lot of ground to cover about sex and dating, about being female, about what a great sex life might be like for them. And cover it we did. The event was the "Dating and Sex, What's the BIG deal?" mother-daughter event that I offer for high school girls and mothers (Yes, together!).

Above all I promised the girls that we would tell them the truth about dating and sex. And we did. The mothers were grateful to have the subject broken open. Everyone participated; there were 32 of us, moms and girls mixed together. There was a lot of wisdom sharing that afternoon. Moms and girls should talk like this more often. There is so much value in bringing the generations together.