Fabulous to be female

I talk about uncomfortable topics in my Growing up Series workshops. I teach young girls about their changing bodies. We talk openly about body parts. They giggle at first and I encourage that - it helps them feel comfortable. And it's funny. I like a good laugh too, just like them!

Most moms sign up for and attend my mother-daughter workshops to:

• make sure their 4th or 5th grade daughter gets good information in a comfortable environment
• start conversations that they (the mom) are having trouble with - usually because either the mom or the girl is embarrassed
• take the mystery away from the growing up experience and make it NORMAL - which it is!
• have a close bonding experience with their girl

Some moms come back with an older daughter, saying, "Anna is in 7th grade (or 6th grade) and never got this information - I want her to take this workshop!"

Sadly, many parents don't talk to their kids at all about puberty, changing bodies, and/or sexuality. The sex talks can be REALLY challenging (that's why I'll do it for you!), especially figuring out WHEN and HOW to start those talks.

What happens when parents do NOT have open conversations with their kids about these sensitive matters? Kids grow up thinking human bodies and their functions are inherently shameful, bad, or "dirty." It's a sad outcome and an unnecessary one.

Use books, use naturally occurring events to broach sensitive subject matter, and stretch yourself to be OVERT with healthy messages about changing bodies, what it really means to be female (or male), and as the middle school years approach - branch out and include beginning conversations about sex. Then keep the conversations going all the way through high school and beyond. It's your job (and mine - when you come to my workshops) to transmit accurate information and healthy attitudes about bodies and sexuality.

When you are silent - when I am silent - our kids adopt the attitudes of the culture. Take a good hard look around you. What messages about sexuality and self-worth do you see?

Your daughter receives hundreds of messages every day telling her how she is supposed to look and how she is supposed to act. Studies show that the media messages have a profound effect on her image of herself.  That effect is not a positive one, it harms her. And media is EVERYWHERE!

What's a mother to do? How do we bolster our girls up - and make no mistake - we MUST bolster them because the media beats them down - constantly.

Here's my list of 5 ways to build her up:

1. Use sound bites: short messages that you repeat regularly to help positive messages sink in deeply: "You're doing well!" - "I love you and know you can do it." - "You're amazing, you really are!"
2. Surround your daughter with positive role models: other kids who are positive and open-minded, trusted adults who know how to boost girls up, and mentors in her field of interest.
3. Teach your daughter how to really relax and rejuvenate. 
4. Help her get in touch with what she wants - not what the latest trend suggests, not what her friends want, not what you want - but what SHE wants. Then help her ask for it. Really, we need to walk our girls through this process over and over again.
5. Send her positive messages. Put them in her lunch box, send her text messages, and put sticky notes on her computer that can build her up. Need help here? Sign your daughter up for one of these text message streams (delivered once/day); these streams are designed for preteen and teen girls - they deliver positive and uplifting messages in a language she can hear. (Bonus: it only costs $4.95)
   
   1. Middle School Survival Skills
   2. Big Sis, Little Sis: Advice for Teen Girls
   3. Body Image and Self Esteem for Teen Girls

You are powerful as moms and women who care about girls. Use your power to build up your daughter and the other girls in your life. They ARE the next generation of women.

I'm a big proponent of using our strengths to move forward in life. Yet it's essential that we also embrace our weaknesses and our merely average attributes. Here's why. We are a package. We all have strengths ALONG WITH average capabilities, and if we are honest, below-average capabilities. To be well balanced and really able to be self-accepting, we need to know ourselves well and we need to accept our WHOLE self - our strengths, weaknesses, and warts.

If we don't take the time to identify, name, and accept our rather undesirable attributes we have, we go down the road of self-hatred. And this is big in the lives of women. Self hatred, you ask - is it that bad? You may say, "I don't hate myself." However, 97% of women polled last year reported self-loathing. Each of these women had at least one violent thought about her body every day - some had as many as 50 in a day. Violent thoughts = a form of hatred.

I do an activity with girls and women where I ask them to identify parts of their body they like. I ask them to concentrate on that body part. It's a nice first step. We can start paying attention to the parts of ourselves we really like. That can help us move toward a more positive body image.

In addition, we need to come to terms with the parts of ourselves that we aren't so wild about. Because if we don't, we'll be likely to be one of those 97% going down the road to self-hatred. How does that work? Let's say I really appreciate my legs and my hands and I think I have a nice smile. And I really do - but I HATE my butt and every time I look in the mirror think "Oh My God, Amy, your butt is so big you look like a cow. You are disgusting."  If that's how I'm talking to myself then I'm one of those 97% with body hatred and poor body-image. I need to come to terms with ALL of me - the parts I like and the parts I don't like so much.

So I'll start - because I always tell the women and girls I work with that I won't ask them to do anything that I'm not willing to do first. So in my events I always go first - telling a story, admitting to how I feel about my body, or whatever. So here goes - what are my warts and weaknesses? And what do I NOT like about my body? Here are some of my honest dislikes, weaknesses, and failings:

• I don't like my hair. It's too thin for my tastes. And if it's at all humid outside I cannot do anything with it.
• I dislike my fingernails and always wished I had pretty ones like my mother did - or like my sister Deidre or my friend Sandy.
• I'm cranky. So cranky lately that I'm re-naming my self Cramy for cranky Amy.
• I'm paper challenged. I lose papers. I keep too many papers. I feel intimidated by piles of papers.
• I eat too many sweets. Really. That's another post altogether.
• I'm impulsive.
• I could go on.... but you need to develop your own list. Of things you like and even LOVE about yourself and of things that you aren't so happy about.

Go ahead, make your list - the positives, the neutrals, and the negatives. It's all you.  The whole package is wonderful. How do I know you are wonderful? I know you are wonderful because you are human and humans are amazing. You have amazing capacities. You have an amazing spirit. And you are filled with love. Grow the love. Start now.

For two years I have been trying to figure out how to take what I do in live workshops and make it available to girls and parents electronically. I am not going to quit doing workshops, its' just that one two-hour event isn't enough. Your daughter needs more support than that. Once the good feeling and confidence has waned, she finds herself alone, again, with these realities:

• Self-esteem peaks at age 9 in girls (it plummets in middle school)
• Even the most confident and gifted girls tend to hide their intelligence and capabilities in high school 
• As their bodies are maturing sexually they are being bombarded with messages encouraging them to become sexually active at alarmingly young ages
• Most adult are uncomfortable and unprepared to talk to girls (and boys for that matter) about sex and sexuality
• Just as they need adult guidance the most, preteens and teens pull away a bit (or even a lot) from their parents

To help build up, support, and inform girls (and their families), I'm happy to announce a new service that I have been working on for about 9 months. I have translated much of the content from my workshops into a new format that can be delivered, in bite-sized chunks, to teens, parents, and adults in general - directly to their mobile devices. How? Via text messages. The messages are targeted and drip a consistent message and stream of information designed to educate and support - you.

Click below to check it out!

I just had a long conversation with a school principal about girl bullying. Girl bullying often looks very different from boy bullying. It is more subtle and more emotionally based. Girl bullying tends to be social-emotional. Girls exclude other girls, transmit feelings of dislike and disgust, and hurt each other in non-physical and often non-verbal ways.

The whole arena of social-emotional intelligence  is an area where females have a definite edge - for good and for bad. Lets consider this realm and then look at how girls (and women) use their social-emotional abilities to (too often) bully other girls.

Females are good at reading faces and emotions.  Some are more gifted in this area than others but in general, girls rule in this arena. Subtle micro-expressions reveal underlying feelings and attitudes. A girl rolls her eyes as a sign of disgust. The girl on the receiving end of the micro-expression reads the facial cues and feels wounded by the girl who is putting forth the negative message.

On top of being keenly aware of the subtle cues from others, girls and women are inherently emotional. They are more sensitive to feelings and tend to carry those feelings around for a long period of time. These tendencies and sensitivities are a breeding ground for social-emotional bullying. A girl (often starting at age 8-10 and continuing through middle school and beyond) sends off strong messages about how she feels towards others. If negative feelings are cultivated, the negative emotion will be transmitted though micro-expressions to other girls. The girl giving off the negative expressions is likely to respond to queries with a response claiming innocence. She may be (mostly) unaware of what she is doing. But underneath there are likely very strong feelings of disgust that have been propagated and intentionally strengthened.

The study of social-emotional intelligence, and hence, social-emotional bullying, is in its infancy. Studies are being done to chronicle and describe the micro-expressions given off and read by people. Watch for more on this.

The studies may be new but the practice is old; girls and women have been inherently skilled at reading these expressions for a LONG time. It was true in my day as a teen, it's true today. Girls may transmit feelings of disgust with a roll of the eye; a shift of expression may dismiss someone's opinion. Now it's called social-emotional bullying.

Do NOT underestimate the power of these negative messages. Teach your daughters about social-emotional bullying and micro-expressions. Teach your girls how to navigate through them - both as a sender of messages and as a receiver. Finally, teach girls to cultivate the positive. While you're at it, make sure you are modeling positive behavior yourself. Being a good example is the best teacher.

What is an intergenerational gathering? It's a gathering of children and adults. The gathering may be for fun, for a family reunion, or for a learning experience. They are a unique and special forum offering opportunities for the generations to enjoy and learn from each other.

Parent-child workshops (intergenerational gatherings) offer benefits over the traditional model of teaching children in one room and adults in another. When we pull parents and kids together and keep them together for learning, some very magical things can happen.

• Parents and kids who learn in a shared experience have a common context to reference back to later.
• The perspective of both child and parent can be highlighted - that goes a long way toward helping the two generations understand each other
• Bonding and open communication opportunities abound. This is particularly helpful in the preteen and teen years when communication and bonding seem stretched much of the time.
• Fun! If structured correctly intergenerational events are fun for both the kids and the parents.  

Imagine coming together with your kids for a fun AND educational workshop experience! That's what happens in my parent-child workshops, Growing up Female and Growing up Male, designed for preteen and teen families. Kids and parents learn together, they connect more deeply to each other, and they have fun along the way. I use the intergenerational format to address sensitive issues (sexuality, body changes, gender relations) and to pass along wisdom about human development and relationships. The collective experience transcends the workshop time - shared activities are recalled later and help keep kids and parents close - during a time when many parents and teens struggle to communicate.  

If you'd like to hear more contact me. I'd love to help you bring an intergenerational event to your school, church, or community group. Families love them.

At age 7, it was clear that Madeleine liked to be in charge. Her mother feared she was destined to be “bossy.” Then the preteen years hit; by age 10, Madeleine rarely made a decision without checking in with her friends; she exhibited a hesitancy that surprised and, frankly, concerned her mother. What happened to the confident and self-assured daughter she knew?

Girls are social beings; it’s normal at age 10 for Madeleine to engage more deeply with her friends. In addition, preteen girls begin to deal with hormonal fluctuations, social pressures, and cultural messages which lead them to continually ask an internal question, “Am I OK?” As the parent, you want your daughter to answer that question with a hearty “Yes!” While we cannot stop her internal questioning, we can help a daughter, like Madeleine; grow into a young lady with a positive sense of self and enough confidence to be the amazing and wonderful person she is meant to be.

Here are five things you can do as a parent to help instill confidence in your daughter as she readies for and navigates the teen years.  Think of these as anchors she can hold onto as she grows from girl to young woman:

1. Help her identify and claim her strengths. You will probably see her strengths more clearly than she does; be a mirror for her.
2. Accompany her as she stretches into new territory. Help her develop a specialized skill; being skilled at something (anything!) is a particularly powerful way to help your daughter gain confidence in herself and her abilities.
3. Surround her, as much as possible, with positive people who have strong relationship skills. We are social beings and we become more like the people we hang around with; it’s been proven over and over again. The positive people your daughter interacts with will help strengthen her.
4. Listen to your daughter. Encourage her to share her perspective, her ideas, her dreams and desires. Validate her observations and perspective as often as possible.
5. Teach your girl about real beauty. The computer altered, surgically enhanced, and air-brushed images broadcast to her daily through the media portray false images that harm a girl’s sense of self. Help your daughter identify her own physical attributes.  Teach your daughter about inner beauty; it’s more long-lasting and powerful than the made-up images the culture presents. This lesson is, perhaps, the most difficult to teach so start now, however young (or old) your daughter is today; it's an important mother-daughter message. 

All of our daughters are like Madeleine. They go through a period of uncertainty in the preteen and teen years. Give your daughter anchor points to hold onto. A strong sense of self and a skill set will help your daughter navigate the particularly difficult years of adolescence. Arm her well; stay by her side. And start as soon as possible. Loving parents make a big difference.

14 year old girl (from what looks to be a well balanced and wonderful family):

"My house is awful. You can't believe how bad it is here; I hate it and am so unhappy."

Parent of 15 year old girl:

"Samantha is so negative. She's like a walking little witch. I don't know what to do or how to talk to her anymore."

What is going on?

The teen years are a challenging time for girls and for parents. It's the teen's job to individuate; they are supposed to be working on becoming their "own person," becoming different from their parents. It's a good thing but it's often painful and difficult. The process can take years to unfold. Parents often experience their teen as negative; they wonder what happened to the happy child they had just a few months earlier. An unhappy teen can cause much angst in a household.

What's a parent to do?

1. Establish strong bonds before the teen years.
2. Let go - as often as you can. If your teen isn't doing something illegal, immoral, or dangerous, consider letting it go. I'm not saying you shouldn't have boundaries and guidelines - you should, absolutely. It's just that there will be SO many issues. Choose your battles carefully.
3. Take a deep breath and remind yourself that the changes are NOT about you - the parent. They are about your teen. She is trying to grow up. It's a strange and difficult process.
4. Return to love; always return to love! Remind yourself of the wonderful person who lives behind that teenage frown or the negative attitude. She's still in there. Love her. She will show her face again - someday, I promise.