Fabulous to be female

I don't think it's done on purpose, at least not at first. But I firmly believe that most people show the world a skewed view of who they are and what their life is really like.

I've been on the inside track of peoples lives for decades. I have cared for people in their gravest hours, attended the bedsides of the dying, listened to the fears and uncertainties of parents, and stood by countless women and men as they watched their lives reel out of control through economic devastation, divorce,  or a terminal illness. After all of this witnessing I am certain of one thing. NO ONE gets through life without major struggles. None of us really has it all together. Not even close. People who look like they live the perfect life, family, or marriage probably don't. How and why do they make such a good show of it?

We like to think of life as a story with a good ending - a sort of fairy tale existence where we are the star player. We don't want to have to struggle - but we all do. Even so, struggle isn't what we like to show. We like to show a happy and strong face to the world. It's a bit like a masquerade party - we dress up, go out, and play at being something we're not. And that's not necessarily a bad thing - we move on and sometimes benefit from forgetting for a while (forgetting about the bad news, terrible turn of events, or relationship struggle).

But it doesn't serve us well when we leave the mask on for too long. Or if we wear the mask all the time, in front of everyone. When we pretend like our lives are perfect and that we have it all in control, we are not being honest with the people we are close to. When we are HONEST with those people, what we usually hear back from them is this, "Me too!"

Me too? What does that mean? It means they are struggling too. When we break through the masks and the masquerade - we find out that we're not that different from everyone else. Each of us has a different story to tell. Each story is filled with mystery, wonder, struggle, good AND bad. That's the way life is.

When we pretend that we are untouched by the unfortunate, the difficult, or the tragedies that befall all of us - we are living a lie. And when our kids grow up seeing or thinking that everyone else has it all figured out and that everyone else lives perfect lives (because that's all we let them see) - it's dangerous. It's dangerous because a kid who grows up thinking that life is supposed to be perfect is going to realize pretty early on that he/she is NOT perfect. Self-acceptance is impossible - and then the inevitable will occur. The child will grow into an unhappy and troubled teen.

The teen years are not too late. They are actually an ideal time to highlight for your kids that life is imperfect. That life hurts. And that in imperfection and hurt lie all sorts of moments of mystery and potential goodness - even happiness. The truth is - it is the simple moments of joy and happiness that are the most powerful. And those simple moments - those gems of joy - are often surrounded by ordinary and even uncomfortable moments.

Me, I grew up in a family where secrets were kept and shame was a daily practice.  I learned to show only the positive to my parents - that's what they wanted to see. I pretended that I was ALWAYS good. I told them what they wanted to hear. I did work hard - to get good grades and to be seen as the "good girl" my parents wanted me to be. I lived a masquerade. Because I wasn't always good. I just pretended to be. I grew out of it in college. When I went to nursing school, I sat at the bedsides of people with serious illness. I helped families prepare for and then recover from life-altering diagnoses. I learned in my early twenties that none of us has it easy. And I learned that it was OK that I was imperfect too. Just like you.

I urge you take a chance today or tomorrow. Tell someone you are close to about something you are struggling with. Just tell them. Be honest. You don't have to dump everything. Just admit to an imperfection. See what happens. I think you might be surprised - in a good way.

(Hint - it will make you closer, make the other person feel better about the things they struggle with. And in the end - you will both realize that being human is pretty good -especially when you admit to it in the company of others.)

I went to a continuing education event yesterday called "How the Brain Forms New Habits: Why Willpower isn't Enough." Here are 5 takeaway concepts I think we can all use and benefit from. You can benefit directly and you can also be a better parent if you understand how we are made and why habit formation and changing habits is so difficult.

Here are Five concepts that will help you:

1. Instituting change is notoriously difficult. Look around, even very learned people struggle with health habits - and other habits. If it were easy we would all be fit, rich, and in-control (of everything...). So don't feel bad about having a bad habit or two. You were taught well by the culture (to overeat, to sit on the couch, to drive instead of walk, etc.) You can do it - but it will likely take real work.
2. The first step to take when you want to institute change is to simply evaluate your actions and figure out why you want to change. Then focus on the values that are behind your desire for change. Maybe you have been nagging your kids. Now it's a habit. You want to change that habit. Figure out why. Maybe you value the relationship with your kid (I hope this is true!) and you notice that he closes down and gets angry when you nag. It's getting in the way of your relationship. Is your relationship with your kid of higher value than getting him to put his dishes in the dishwasher? And is there a better way to get your son to do his part? This type of thinking can help you focus on the motivation behind change. Powerful motivation makes change a bit easier.
3. Who you hang out with really does matter. Your mother was right! It's been measured and it's simply true. We pick up mannerisms and habits from those we spend time with. So it does matter who your daughter or son hangs around with. (I know, there's only so much you can do about this one - but you CAN do some things here to affect who your preteen or teen hangs out with.)
4. Very small changes make a significant difference in the long run. Indeed, small steps are the only way to achieve lasting change. When we set out to lose 50 pounds or to never eat chocolate again we are doomed for failure. We can lose those 50 pounds a different way. We can control our chocolate cravings too - but not with all-or-none thinking. Make small changes.
5. Old habits can fade but they never completely go away. We have a memory center in our brain that holds on to these old habits. That's why we can go without riding a bike for 10 years then get on and ride again tomorrow. It's not good news though when old "bad" habits revisit us. They will. If your kid made his bed every day for  a month then stopped - he's normal. (You can still insist he make his bed - I'm just telling you this is normal - we all do these things.) Too much stress typically results in setbacks. Reverting to your old habits or eating a whole box of chocolates when you are stressed doesn't make you a failure. It just means you are human. Don't be too hard on yourself (or your kid!). Just go back to your new habit and try again. This is the most important part.

The good news? Change is possible. Absolutely. Positively. And you can do it.

You probably won't have access to the course I went to but you can read a great book on change. It's called Switch: How to Change Things When Change is Hard. It's a fun read by Chip and Dan Heath.

I grew up in a family where we didn't EVER say, "I love you." The family my husband and I created is more vocal about our feelings. We often say, "I love you." But words are not enough. Families who show love and affection in multiple ways are healthier and heartier. And we need to do it regularly. Here are 10 ways to show how much you care.  

1. Name and proclaim your loved one’s positive qualities. Do this regularly. It’s easy to do the opposite, to focus on the things your child (or partner) is NOT doing well. Turn the table so you are dishing out more positives than negatives.
2. Listen. Really listen. What is he saying beyond his words? It’s called active listening and it involves going for the heart of the message. This takes effort, time, and patience. The effort to communicate at this level shows that you care.
3. Declare your love and appreciation with words. You may be thinking, “But she should know that I love her.” Believe me; she wants to hear it again so tell her often.
4. Attend her events and accompany her as she pursues her interests.
5. Give symbols of love, small gifts or notes. Pick up a magazine for him, a book, or a favorite treat. Leave a note in his lunchbox, on his door, or taped to his computer screen.
6. Perform favors and small acts that make life easier for your loved one.
7. Touch. We all need touch; it’s a recognized human need.
8. Share your real thoughts and feelings, authentically and deeply.
9. Follow through on promises.
10. Go out of your way. Love is not convenient. It is in the stretching where we touch each other in heartfelt and valuable ways. 

One more thing, you cannot fake it. If you just go through the motions your family members will see through it. Go to your authentic place, deep inside, where you truly feel love then speak or act your love from that place of truth.

Carry it on: Share this list with your family members; expand on the list. Then ask each family member to name the top three ways they like to be loved. Try to learn what is most meaningful to your family members. Then follow through and show just how much you truly love them.

I grew up in a family where we didn't EVER say, "I love you." The family my husband and I created is more vocal about our feelings. We often say, "I love you."

I have friends who feel loved not when someone uses words but when someone presents small gifts and tokens. The item can be tiny - a bar of chocolate or a single flower. It doesn't matter.

Gary Chapman writes about five languages of love. His book describes five love languages and urges us to find out what love language is most meaningful to those we care about. Then we are urged to express our love in the language that our loved one prefers. (Most of us err and show love in OUR love language instead of in the love language of our family member/partner.)

Here are the five love languages:

1. gifts (they can be small, size doesn't matter)
2. acts of service (favors, holding the door for someone, getting a cool drink or a hot chocolate for someone)
3. quality time
4. touch
5. words of appreciation

Which is your love language? In other words, what makes you feel loved and cared for? Maybe a couple of these seem correct. Most of us, according to Chapman, have a primary love language.

Now consider your family members. What is the love language of each person? Not sure? Discuss it over dinner and see if you can learn/identify the love language of each family member. What a great gift that could be this holiday season - to show love and appreciation to each other in the manner that is the most meaningful to the recipient. And it's a gift that is recession proof. It is free and the most precious thing that you can give. Genuine love - expressed in a manner that is genuinely received.

Traditions are a wonderful way for families to connect and build memories. Yet traditions need not be forever. You can change a tradition and you should if it no longer works for you. How to tell when to drop or change a tradition? Watch and reflect - if you are looking at a tradition that has become too burdensome and if that tradition doesn’t meet a goal you have for your family, then it’s time to consider changing or dropping the tradition. It can seem awkward, or even sacrilegious, to change a tradition but you’ll adjust, I promise. I know because we did it. We dropped a BIG tradition. We chose to leave Santa out of Christmas. Here’s how it happened for us:  

It was December, we lived in Northwestern Wisconsin, and our eldest, Kelsey, was one year old. The holiday season was well established. Kelsey loved the season; she delighted in the snow, the icicles on the house, the holiday lights, and the special foods. She loved the holiday music and the cookies we baked. She was overjoyed the day we brought a tree into the house; it was her first experience of a Christmas tree. There was so much to experience that year. We were a young family reveling in the sights, smells, sensations and mysteries of the season. We delighted together at the snowflakes (they are so intricate), the stars that stood out in the black sky, and the Northern Lights that shone at night. Add a few gifts to open and we knew our daughter would be more than satisfied. Something told us, “This is enough.” We had a sense that our little girl didn’t need Santa. She already had enough mystery, joy, and abundance. We were living in a wonderland and needed no man in a red suit to complete our holiday delights. So we never bothered to introduce Santa. It was that simple. For us it was our way of saying, "ENOUGH!" And it was simple.

We focused on teaching our kids about joy, mystery, and love. Those were our important holiday messages. Our kids loved the traditions we did celebrate and they claim (at ages 25, 23, and 17) that they didn’t miss Santa, at all.

I’m not suggesting that YOU skip Santa. But I am suggesting that you look at the holiday traditions you celebrate. If you have one or two that have become burdensome or unnecessary, I urge you to consider dropping them. Hang on to the ones that are important to you and that help you stay connected to those you love.

Happy holidays!

I remember the Christmas when...

Just when I was feeling lonely the phone rang and it was Grandma...

There was so much snow that year I was sure we'd be stranded for a week...

I remember your first holiday season; you were just a baby and...

Want to connect with your family members? Tell stories this holiday season. Try storytelling at dinner, while sitting around a fire, or while sharing a cup of hot chocolate or warm tea. Begin by reminiscing back to earlier holiday seasons when your kids were little or when a special family member came to visit. Maybe you took a special trip you can chronicle and reminisce over.

Kids of all ages enjoy hearing stories of when they were young. Choose cute stories, stories that show unique characteristics, or stories that had a funny or unexpected ending.

Here are some hints for making the stories memorable.

• Highlight a single incident: your three-year-old daughter was sleeping under the tree when you woke up in the morning, the cat jumped on Grandmas back during dinner, or Dad forgot where he hid the most important present.
• Share small details about the weather, the way you were feeling that day, the color dress Susie was wearing, or the devilish look on your son's face when he dove into the cookie dough.
• Tell the stories with a fondness of heart to demonstrate your love and affection. The warmth and affection will come through and bond you and your family members more closely.  
• Do it again! Stories get better with repetition. It's often in the retelling that you learn which stories are the most meaningful. Your kids are likely to say, "Tell about the time that you stuck your tongue to the metal rail when it was freezing outside!" or "Tell us the one about when we brought you breakfast in bed then spilled the orange juice all over you!" 

Stories bond us to each other, transmit affection, and teach important lessons. Don't worry if you aren't sure how to start. Just tell it like it was and add a good dose of love.

We had traveled from California to Hilton Head Island, SC to spend the Thanksgiving holiday with my parents. After a trip to the beach, we returned to my folks’ house for dinner. At each table setting my mother had placed 3 pieces of candy corn. She asked us to go around the table, place one candy corn in a crystal bowl, and name something we were thankful for. We did so. Half way through dinner my mother asked us to do it again. We complied then repeated the ritual one more time before dessert. This simple activity carried the spirit of gratitude through the meal in a lighthearted yet tangible manner.

As we did dishes, my dad reached into the bowl, plucked out two candy corns and popped them in his mouth. Our daughter, Lisa, whispered to me, “Grandpa’s eating our prayers!” I laughed and wondered, “Isn’t that what we are supposed to do, enjoy our blessings?” 

We went home then the next year when we celebrated Thanksgiving in California we repeated the candy corn activity. And we repeated it again the next year. It became a tradition. We go around the table in the same manner on Thanksgiving Day, stating what we are thankful for and placing a candy corn in a dish, just as we had done at my parent’s house. And I always tell the story of Grandpa eating our prayers. We laugh and feel connected to each other. It feels good; it’s sort of magical.

How do you start a tradition of your own?

Choose an activity your family is likely to enjoy then add an emotional component (with storytelling, candle lighting, or personal reflection). Then repeat the activity next year (with the accompanying emotional component) and, if your family enjoyed the activity the first time around, it’s likely that you now have a tradition you can call your own.

Here’s the formula:

Fun family activity + reflection to establish emotional component + repetition = Family Tradition

For best results involve family members. It’s likely to be successful if everyone has a part to play. Be cautious too to not establish too many traditions. Life is busy. We want to bond together as family, we want to create memories, but we don’t need to overburden ourselves with too many things to do. So choose just a couple traditions to go with your holidays. Then enjoy the magic.

Being part of a family is about belonging. It’s about being a part of a community where your presence, your needs, your contributions matter. Being a part of a family says, “You are wanted. You are important.” In our world of change it is more important than ever to instill a sense of belonging in your children; belonging is an anchor for kids, it helps them feel secure. It’s easy to instill this sense of belonging when your children are small. It is important to do so, then to deliberately remind your child that she/he will always belong in your family and your heart.

It’s just as important to give preteens and teens a sense of belonging; some kids need it even more in these turbulent years.  Preteens or teens who do not feel connected may feel lost. They may look for satisfaction in other places (drugs, alcohol, gang activity, popularity, sexual activity, early dating); they may run away, engage in self-harm, or simply lose their direction.

Use these strategies to show your preteens and teens that they are important, that they belong:                                     

1. Ritual and routines provide structure, a sense of safety and security, and breed a familiarity that anchors people together.

• “On Sunday's we eat dinner in the dining room."
• “Dad wakes me up with a song every morning." (your teen may act annoyed but don't' be fooled)
• “That's my chair."
• “We go out for breakfast on Saturday mornings. We always go to the same place."

 2. Unique jobs transmit the message that your child is valued and needed.

• “Trevor is the dishwasher guy."
• "You’re the best  pancake maker in the family.”

3. Story telling will remind your son or daughter that he/she is incredibly special to you.

• “I remember so clearly the day you were born.” (tell a story)
• “I loved you the first time I laid eyes on you!” (give specifics)
• "I'll always remember the day you picked all of my daffodils (or whatever!)" (tell the story)

4. Repetitive sound bites anchor your child with essential messages. Don’t worry about sounding like a broken record; kids need these messages often: weekly, monthly, sometimes daily, depending on what is going on.

• “We’re your family.”
• “We’ve got your back!”
• “Your family will always be here for you.”
• “I will always love you.”

Family life is busy and it's easy to forget how important these seemingly small acts are. Your child - especially in the preteen and teen years - needs to know that he/she belongs somewhere. Your family, your home, your love will give your kids the security necessary to stretch, grow, learn, and become, the wonderful person he/she is meant to be.

I grew up with certain sayings:

“Your family will always be there for you.”

“You can do anything you want; you just have to put your mind to it.”

“If everyone works for 15 minutes we’ll have the job done.”

I had my own bits of wisdom and mom messages; here are some that I repeated, over and over, to my kids:  

“Relationships are always a two-way street.”

“I love you.”

“I will always love you.”

“Invite friends over any time.”

“If everyone helps we can _________ (go there, have that for dinner, do____).

When I was raising my third baby, my grandmother shared a saying with me that she had gotten from her mother. It went like this: “You can’t have flowers and babies at the same time.” She was talking about gardening and raising babies. It was an expression passed from my great grandmother to her daughter and it meant “You cannot do everything at once.”

The generations have always passed wisdom down in sound bites. Twitter may have thought they originated the short message. In truth, short messages are the ones that stick. All of the sayings above are well under 140 characters. We parents would do well to pay attention to that reality. Kids don’t like it when we lecture them. And they REMEMBER the pithy sayings, not the long-winded talks.

I think parents should remember that and come up with deliberate short messages to pass down to kids. Make your list now. Then start passing down the wisdom in succinct sound bites, just like the generations before us.

My family spends one whole week every summer doing nothing. We spend the do-nothing week at a cabin in a remote location and we look forward to it for months in advance. This summer will be our 20^th year at the cabin; all of our kids, now 24, 22, and 16 have carved out time, once again, to be there. The week always looms long at the start; the days pass blissfully, filled with reading, games, long walks, bike rides, fishing, boating, storytelling, and star gazing. Before we know it it’s time to head back home with a set of new memories and shared experiences.  

In recent years I’ve been working at simplifying my life during the remaining 51 weeks of the year as well. It’s been an uphill battle but one that I’m committed to because it’s worth it. A simpler life is less stressful and allows for more spontaneity, more creativity, and more connection with people I care about. If you are feeling overwhelmed with too much to do, too little time, and too much stuff to manage, consider the list that follows. Maybe you could institute just one or two changes that would take the pressure off of you and your family. You are likely to experience an improved quality of life. It’s worth it. Here are some strategies that have worked for me.

Reduce the number of things that you own.

• Purchase fewer things. Invest in experiences rather than material goods. For gifts you can give tickets to a show, movie, or circus. Or try a family excursion; that way you will create memories to last a lifetime.  
• Get rid of the possessions you no longer use, enjoy, or need. Be relentless. Try the 10-item challenge. Walk through your house and choose 10 things you no longer use or want. Place the items in a paper bag and give them away. This one action is probably my most effective way to keep “stuff” under control without having to spend much time at it. I use this process with clothes, nick-knacks, books, overflowing kitchen cupboards, and linen closets.
• Designate a give-away spot in your garage or in a closet. Donate the items you have collected each month to a local charity.

Take a good hard look at your calendar and how you are using your time.

• Make family dinner time a priority. Eat together as often as possible, preferably daily. Concentrate on positive conversation during meals and turn off the TV and other electronic devices.
• Schedule in family fun time and family down time. Consider setting aside one or two days a week for family time – no outside activities.
• Limit children’s activities to just one or two (at most) per child.
• If you have a very tight schedule, consider giving up all activities that are not absolutely necessary. Your sanity, your family, and your health are worth it.

With a little less “stuff” to manage and a bit more time, you will be able to focus on the things that are really important to you, family, friends, health, and fun! Enjoy.