Fab2bFem

At age 7, it was clear that Madeleine liked to be in charge. Her mother feared she was destined to be “bossy.” Then the preteen years hit; by age 10, Madeleine rarely made a decision without checking in with her friends; she exhibited a hesitancy that surprised and, frankly, concerned her mother. What happened to the confident and self-assured daughter she knew?

Girls are social beings; it’s normal at age 10 for Madeleine to engage more deeply with her friends. In addition, preteen girls begin to deal with hormonal fluctuations, social pressures, and cultural messages which lead them to continually ask an internal question, “Am I OK?” As the parent, you want your daughter to answer that question with a hearty “Yes!” While we cannot stop her internal questioning, we can help a daughter, like Madeleine; grow into a young lady with a positive sense of self and enough confidence to be the amazing and wonderful person she is meant to be.

Here are five things you can do as a parent to help instill confidence in your daughter as she readies for and navigates the teen years.  Think of these as anchors she can hold onto as she grows from girl to young woman:

1. Help her identify and claim her strengths. You will probably see her strengths more clearly than she does; be a mirror for her.
2. Accompany her as she stretches into new territory. Help her develop a specialized skill; being skilled at something (anything!) is a particularly powerful way to help your daughter gain confidence in herself and her abilities.
3. Surround her, as much as possible, with positive people who have strong relationship skills. We are social beings and we become more like the people we hang around with; it’s been proven over and over again. The positive people your daughter interacts with will help strengthen her.
4. Listen to your daughter. Encourage her to share her perspective, her ideas, her dreams and desires. Validate her observations and perspective as often as possible.
5. Teach your girl about real beauty. The computer altered, surgically enhanced, and air-brushed images broadcast to her daily through the media portray false images that harm a girl’s sense of self. Help your daughter identify her own physical attributes.  Teach your daughter about inner beauty; it’s more long-lasting and powerful than the made-up images the culture presents. This lesson is, perhaps, the most difficult to teach so start now, however young (or old) your daughter is today; it's an important mother-daughter message. 

All of our daughters are like Madeleine. They go through a period of uncertainty in the preteen and teen years. Give your daughter anchor points to hold onto. A strong sense of self and a skill set will help your daughter navigate the particularly difficult years of adolescence. Arm her well; stay by her side. And start as soon as possible. Loving parents make a big difference.

Parents want to protect their children. It’s normal and natural. The day inevitably arises, though, when a difficult and uncomfortable issue presents itself. It might be a death, divorce, or a grave diagnosis. These days families face job loss and some face financial ruin. The potential list of difficulties is endless. Parents worry about the impact of these difficult situations on their children. Some fret and wonder, “To tell or not to tell?” and “If we do tell our children, how should we go about it?”

Most kids can handle most difficult issues. The most important thing to know is that your kids will take their cues from you. They will respond, most often, very similarly to how you behave as you break the news to them. If you are uncomfortable, your children will be uncomfortable. If you are calm, your child is more likely to respond in a calm manner. If you are hysterical, your child is more likely to respond with a dramatic emotional response. So deal with your feelings first then present the difficulty to your child in an honest way.

TRUST yourself and your child’s abilities:

T              Truth: Tell the truth as simply as possible. You don’t need to sugar-coat a bad situation; it doesn’t help. Omit frightening or graphic details; kid’s imaginations can be vivid so use caution here.

R             Resilience: Teach your child about coping and help her become resilient. Give your child confidence that she can deal with the situation. Reassure her that you will help. People rebound and learn how to deal with all sorts of difficult situations every day.

U             Understanding: Help your child understand as much as she wants to know. Answer questions; be open to your child’s uncertainties and need to work through the issue.

S              Symbolic Item or Gesture: Offer your child a simple symbol or a ritual to help her anchor her feelings. Give her a polished stone or trinket to carry in a pocket as a reminder of your love or the strength of your bond. Or try a candle-lighting ritual to give your child something to “do” to help channel her energy. Dedicate the candle and the lighting gesture to the person in question or to the issue to be resolved. Repeat the ritual daily if your child finds comfort in the gesture.

T              Together: Assure your child that you will tackle the issue together. Teach your daughter that managing difficult situations is a normal part of life and the best approach is to deal with it together through listening, sharing feelings, and working for resolution.  

The hard times will come; it happens to all families. Build a strong family in good times; rely on your strong family ties in tough times.

And as always, if your child struggles more than you think he should, seek professional help.

Summer is an opportune time to create family memories. Shared fond memories are part of the glue that holds families together. Activities that are likely to stick in memory are ones that are unusual, filled with mystery, involve the senses, or engage emotions.

Formula for creating a memory:

• Choose an activity or tradition to emphasize. This can be a simple activity at home, like making your own ice cream or stargazing at midnight or you may choose a more involved adventure such as a week-long vacation.
• Fill the activity with CARE: 
  • C - Communication: talk about the activity in advance and afterward.
  • A - Affection: share your love and affection with your family members while you engage in the activity. A simple, “I love you” or “I think you’re great!” is enough.
  • R - Resilience: Help your kids transition in and out of special events, vacations, and new schedules. Teach them how to be adaptable and to enjoy the new experience.  
  • E - Enjoy each other: Share positive regard with your family members. Remind them of how much fun they are to be with and be sure to laugh together.
  • Tell stories and share memories of the event. Choose an outstanding aspect of the experience to memorialize with a story or to illustrate a value. Tell the story multiple times over the course of the next month. Then repeat the story regularly at family “story telling” nights.  

Our three kids remember all sorts of details about a yearly vacation my family takes. We have visited the same place for 19 years.  The tradition itself along with the smell and sounds of the familiar place are cherished memories for each of our family members. We talk about this vacation all year long. We go out of our way to fit it into our busy lives (our young adult children still carve time out of their busy lives to attend). It is a source of joy for us as family. We have collected so many memories around this vacation tradition that we can tell stories for hours.

And then there is my own childhood to recall. My dad made milkshakes when I was growing up. And they were the best milkshakes in the whole world. Why were they the best? They were the best because each time he made them my dad declared, “These are the best milkshakes in the whole world.” They became the best for me and for each of my siblings; now his grandchildren proclaim, “Grandpa makes the best milkshakes in the whole world.” That’s an enduring memory. That’s a tradition.

Build memories. Tell your stories. They really will help hold your family together over the years.